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is this the line to audition for the furious transgender mob?

I’m so sick of being competent. from now on I am baby.

when I'm trying to pass a car on the left but then they start speeding up

they really should not give me access to Krazy Glue 🖖

one time when i was a teenager i asked a girl out & she said no so fast that i experienced time dilation.

the sears cashier, ringing up 40 denim jackets: okay, will this be all for you? me: oh, do you have more in the back?

one time i took a nap that was so deep & so solid that when i woke up i thought i lived in the cretaceous period.

one time at work my boss was explaining something pretty complicated to me that i needed to get done & that it was really important that i get it right & while he was talking i remember thinking to myself, “i wonder where i can get some flan?”

me: i wrote a poem called the odyssey once & it was about me trying to get out of a trader joe’s parking lot at lunchtime. the priest giving me communion: have you tried being an atheist?

“i’m still punk” i whisper to myself as i turn on the captions so i can hear my tv

LOGGING ONTO THIS SITE TO INFORM YOU ALL THAT THE WEATHER CHANNEL HAS FIRED A MASSIVE SURROUND-SOUND LAWSUIT AT MY FRONT DOOR. THEY ARE CLAIMING DEFAMATION AND “DESECRATION OF METEOROLOGICAL SCIENCE” ALL BECAUSE I SAID TORNADOES ARE “WHEN MOTHER NATURE SUCKS YOU OFF”

15-25 year old me: tee hee i love all the deaths in the final destination movies 40 year old me: this is what happens when you get rid of regulations and oversight. Everything is shoddily built and they’re cutting corners

I'm making friends with all your demons

asking jake from state farm if he thinks god is dead

the only real upside of trump hiring anyone is the knowledge it begins an inevitable countdown that ends with him tweeting about how he hates their guts

I have the arms of a much younger man you should have seen him he was pissed

Thinkin' maybe if Medusa's gaze didn't turn ya to stone, she'd likely be really fun in bed. Like, ya play a bit with one of her hair-snakes a bit, an wake up with it (or a few) happily curled around the top of your head. Seems kinda' nice.

yall wanna hear the little babiest meow you ever heard?

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hummingbird feeder for generic mason jars

I'm not telling anyone what to do, but please be nice to me, and also bring me a plate of food.