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I can see from your new veneers that he does good work, but what of the quality of the fish tank in the waiting room?

if a dog can have a blog then a mosquito can have a burrito

I got a breaking news alert on my watch and I need to set my preferences so the only notification I get like that is THE notification because the CEO of Cracker Barrel stepping down does not rise to the level

i bet the first guy to whistle scared the shit out of everyone

The Menaces are talking about hosting weekly exorcisms and stonings. I'm not sure if Naked Twister and Drunk Book Club can compete with that.

Not to get political but life should be easy and free

Attempting to absorb enough sunlight to power my personality for the next six days

i named my play Extended Another Week and now i'm trapped in the theater

I'm just like Elon now. Not a trillionaire.

We've forgotten how to make love out of nothing at all.

i went to the doctor and he’s sending me to a bunch more doctors it’s like winning the doctor jackpot

how many skeletons is too many for a mcdonald’s play place murder mystery tableau

Friend: I really hate to bring this up when you’re already stressed but— Me: *cute head tilt like a velociraptor*

There is no Dr. Jekyll, it’s all Mr. Hyde.

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

Every week, I have to verify with American Express that yes, I did order 1,000 gallons of creamed corn. Figured they would just accept it by now.

When I'm grouchy I come here and be nice. Which confuses me greatly.

That noise, it could be a burglar. Me.. thinking I could use some company and conversation.

The everlasting headache after expressing how you feel in a conversation.

Angels in disguises everywhere.