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What’s your sign?

A little goat cheese and those Trader Joe’s fig and olive crackers? 😚 👌

Isn’t it the case that while the Democratic Party organization is broke, the individual candidates are flush with cash?

The Batman guy? Did he do a Simpsons movie?

A tax that is losing money? You can see how this guy managed to bankrupt a casino.

Because Fox News would put the full name and home address of the pilot who did that on TV

Whiskey bottle

that's a lectern you monsters

If your dad says to you “I’m going to build a long-term financial plan for us to go to Disney World,” you know you’re never going to Disney World

Maybe they put all their money in $DRAM

Whiskey bottle

I think I’ve wondered since Trump I is: where does she get the money for all these shenanigans?

If your dad says to you “I’m going to build a long-term financial plan for us to go to Disney World,” you know you’re never going to Disney World

male loneliness epidemic is here to stay

When my family picked me up after my colonoscopy and we were driving home, I was explaining the procedure to my kids. “They gave me pictures. Wanna see?” My youngest was instantly like “Hell yes” and grabbed the printout from my hand

This is true. A Republican wouldn’t give a Democrat credit for rescuing a drowning child, while a Democrat would give a Republican credit for *not* drowning a child. “Finally, a real moderate!”

I dunno if that’s really true. Mitt Romney lost, after all.

I’ve always thought Philadelphians are assholes, and it wasn’t until I was in my 40s that it occurred to me that the nickname “City of Brotherly Love” meant “the way literal brothers love each other,” i.e. constantly insulting and beating the shit out of one another

I just answered my front door and a guy was standing there with a printout of a Stancil skeet, holding it up to my face, shouting "Have you heard about this???"