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I put "sorry for the confusion" in every email, just in case

The bugs invited me out to the forest for a birthday party, for the bugs born today. 4,100 birthdays today

Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward locking in and really taking your problem to the next level

Joining the hold list for a popular library book is the best because you get to be smug about reading without actually having to yet

Got out of sync trimming my fingernails and now I have to do one every day.

They’re called groceries because you eat them to gro

There's no law against bringing a rotisserie chicken onto an airplane. But a liquified rotisserie chicken would be against the rules. Therefore there must be a minimum acceptable degree of chicken viscosity that's suitable for air travel

I was all set to become an indomitable force today but then I slept real weird on my neck

my dad used to always say, "never drive when youre evil."

Oh great, my cat just figured out how to harness her latent psionic abilities. That's going to be a whole thing.

I am not a music expert, but it feels like they could get through more songs faster if they'd play all the notes at once.

wow. did you go to idiot moron school. because that is the dumbest—wait sorry i misread your post i agree with you i think

Accidentally broke the salt circle and now there are 3 cats on my bed with me

Paying $5 for the petting zoo just to feel something (a goat)

Welcome to certain areas. Please enjoy anything

Every domestic pet should have a handle on its back so you can carry it around like a suitcase

Worms think they're so long

I've invented a new font where every letter is replaced by a 3200x2400 pixel jpeg of a giant tropical centipede. Now to use it to write a letter of resignation to a company I haven't worked at for 8 years

an estimated 8 billion sleep fans around the world will be tuning in to blanket and pillow tonight

we don’t want me to get any ideas