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Hi I'm Ben Franklin and this is Jackass! *Flies a kite in a thunder storm*

Insomniacs everywhere disagree.

what’s the most useless radioactive animal you could get bit by? i’m going sloth. slothman would be useless

Poseidon was not depicted moist enough, do you hear that, that’s how nuts you sound

[sitting at a fancy bar as an undercover spy] Her: and what is your name? Me

When I was in the mountains last, my mom, sis, and I stumbled into a tea room and I had the most delicious ham and Gouda on rosemary bread.

Even today I'm seeing it here from some leftist folks. Kind of reads I'm a smarmy "I'm too intelligent to like anything mainstream" kind of way.

Marching band colorguard uniform from my senior year.

I knew my band director well - happened to be a family friend, he was my much older cousin's best friend in HS and had been the drum major and the majorette broke his heart. I think he swore he'd never have one in his band again 😂

I wanted to be a majorette - twirled baton competitively from like age 7-14, but the band director didn't want a majorette (see 🧵 to know why) so he encouraged me to join the colorguard and I loved it. Ended up performing, teaching, writing shows, etc for nearly a decade.

Girl just spit it out.

I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic.

But also damn, look at my mama in her 70s and see what great genes I got.

Listen, let's give the Mitch story a chance bc this is what I looked like in the hospital after 40 minutes of "sleep" in a child sized bed overnight in the ER but to my credit it was my second bag of blood so I'm practically a vampire.

Irrational skyline pet peeve: when someone makes a little quip or joke and then in the replies people say "yeah or..." And then insert their own version of the quip. Baby no one asked you to make their joke "better" or rewrite it. Stop.

Two. I would pound a crystal Pepsi right now.

If Mondays were a soft drink, they would be New Coke.

"Don't be an idiot." ExCUSE ME! My entire existence revolves around, and is a result of, me being an idiot. How dare you.

Am I having a stroke

Presented without context.