Профиль

Colloquials and cloacas are two very different things. But misuse of either can leave you embarrassed. #words

We all know that cannibals don't like clowns because they taste funny, but what about others? Are mimes all presentation with empty calories? Professional athletes are probably too gamey. Any others? #cannibal #joke

Styrofoam containers, plastic forks, and cloth napkins. Yep, we're fancy. #fancy

A cannibal walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." Cannibal says, "Not here for a drink. Just send over the manager." "Why?" "I only came in here for a bite to eat." "Is that the punchline?" "Yes?" "It's not very good." "Well, it's all I've got."

Mascara doesn't really do anything for beards. And according to my wife, it was a very expensive lesson to learn. #joke

Me on a business call: We can look at it tomorrow, maybe Friday. (Please be Wednesday. Please be Wednesday.) Them: Today is Thursday. Me: (GOD DAMN IT!) Yeah, sorry. I was looking at the wrong day. #joke

If you are what you eat, cannibals are never lonely. "You've got a friend in me..." Another tasteful #cannibal #joke.

I'm trying to be the best version of myself, so I keep patching, finding new bugs, and having issues with backup restore. #joke #namaste

Playing Jenga with Lego is not as funny as you would think. #jenga #lego

So much for romance. It turns out I'm allergic to stardust. #allergies #joke

Do you think US mail carriers like visiting England, or does it feel a bit like they've brought their work with them? #showerthoughts

Today's pastime brought to you by the letter C and the number 3. Every twenty minutes, I go find our cats and wake them. Usually by telling them to get a job. #joke

Why can't you order Aristocrat Potatoes? #joke #showerthoughts

People are posting "What they're wearing" pictures and descriptions. I wear exactly the same thing every day, just like any cartoon character would. Everybody assumes Shaggy is a smelly pot-head, but the rest of the gang never changed clothes either.

My favorite part of ordering chicken teriyaki is when they cut the chicken into strips, but only enough so it looks like you're playing Barrel of Monkeys or inexplicably paperdolls.

Oh yeah, I'm the best at not doing anything difficult with a 3d printer.

I should get a bunch of t-shirts printed that say "The Same." Then I can go around telling people that I wear "The Same shirt every day." #joke

Anatomically, my biggest failing is tongue length. I can't reach the bottom of the ice cream bowl. #joke

The skin on my hands is so dry, that when I rub them together crickets think I'm hitting on them. #joke

How lame do you have to be to miss the sharpie cap and draw on your lip? Me. As lame as me. #joke