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The wife just said, "I was looking something up, and I ended up going down a reddit hole." And that's now my new saying.

I've reached the age where I am wise enough to park near the cart return instead of close to the grocery store. #imold

I love the new 3D Movie clip-on lenses! They're rough if you wear contacts. #movies

Oh, you're posting another unbelievably heartwarming/breaking video of dogs doing something amazing? I'm now convinced it's probably AI. AI has ruined everything.

If a cat chases and catches a mouse, we call it a 'mouser.' What do we call it when all it does is catch and kill bugs?

When software that was promised ended up never being developed or released, we referred to it as vaporware. What do we call movies and shows when this happens? I just watched Eternals and Shang-Chi, and I'm still waiting for the return.

I've been on the internet for so long that I still use colons, semicolons, and parenthesis for my emotions. #ImOld

When I was a kid, Instagram was called Tiger Beat. And you could only follow. #ImOld

I am "You just draw a smiley face with a pen in a yearbook." years old. #ImOld

I was trying out meditation, you know, to center myself. It wasn't long until I started having spiritual visions. I shared some of what I saw with my wife. It turns out they're called dreams and I was just napping on the sofa. #dream #nap

Rare earth magnets: I know why they're called rare, but they're everywhere these days. I put up my new shower curtain this morning. There was a loud 'thunk' when the magnets hit the tub. I've been stuck in the tub for the last three hours. #magnets

In movies, maybe the director of photography should talk to the actors about what's going on. They always do that slow approach from behind and end up scaring the poor actors. Man, put a bell on the camera or something. Stupid movies. #trope #horror

Yogurt. Is it a food? A drink? Either way, you won't know it's on your face until after it dries. #joke #yogurt

Surprise! It's Great White Privilege.

My kid is in high school, and I have yet to stay up until midnight to make cookies or a costume for some performance. Where did I go wrong?

Wife: Does the burn on my arm look bad? Me: Ummm, what did it look like before? Wife: Like all the rest of the not burned skin around it. Me: In that case, it looks bad. *No wifes were injured for this joke.

Grabbing somebody by the shirt, shaking them vigorously, and yelling "LAUGH" in their face is not how you do stand up. Or so I'm told. Repeatedly. At a church I don't belong to. #joke #standup

Without saying your age, what’s your favourite movie that came out when you were 18?

A Fish Called Wanda: Don't Call Me StupidAlt: A Fish Called Wanda: Don't Call Me Stupidstatic.klipy.com

Wife: Where's the kiddo? Me: I think in her room. Wife: She's supposed to clean up. How long has she been up there? Me looking at phone: About 15% ago. Wife: ...Great. #parentoftheyear

Just because your new water cup screams 'DO NOT PUT IN A DISHWASHER' doesn't mean I'm going to listen to it. Besides, the acoustics in the washer makes the screaming sound so cool. #joke