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My partner's favorite place to be is in my way.

Not tonight, I'm busy*. *comparing my cats to Schitt's Creek characters

I have two assignments due by 11pm on Sunday that I have not worked on yet this weekend but Saturday is the seventh day and the seventh day is a day of rest and I don't make the rules it's in the bible.

Ok hear me out... POCKET MEAT

If I had a million dollars for every time I heard about children going hungry and homeless in the United States and no one doing anything about it, well, I'd be Elon Musk.

See the problem is that where most people recognize a satirical cartoon episode, Trump sees the video "How To Be President for Dummies"

Them: I'm super laid back Narrator: they were not, in fact, "super laid back"

Group chats? In this political climate??

The past couple days it's been 90 degrees with 70% humidity and this is not what I meant when I said my summer goal was a hot body

Necco wafers are just candied bodies of Christ

Things change but after all this time I still feel the same...

I don't always blah blah blah, but when I do, I yadda yadda yadda...

Checking out at the store today and it was 17 minutes past the end of the cashier's shift; so her manager came over and said "I'm gonna turn you off so no one comes" and I definitely deserve a medal for my restraint.

Chatbot stopping the conversation when I resorted to insults just proves that even AI has better boundaries than I do.

I thought alcohol was to blame for waking up with headaches so I stopped drinking, but the headaches are still happening. Turns out the only thing to blame is adulthood.

One of my kids loves Weezer, vintage shirts, and asked for a pocket watch and a RAZR flip phone for his birthday, and when we asked him if there was any particular reason why he just said "I like old things" and burned us in the way that only kids can

If you count the two dogs in the car next to mine then yes I made new friends today

Bf forgot the word for ragdoll cats so he called them "mopsy floppets" lmao

Are we still doing girl dinners?

You can enjoy life or you can go to nursing school but you can't do both.