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"As I picked up my first victim in my serrated claws, I expected him to beg for his life. But instead, he said, 'I think you just haven’t been with the right guy yet.'"

"Thanks, everybody, for coming to this meeting on such short notice. Let me cut right to the chase: I’m worried about our lack of communication. I know it feels like we have a lot of meetings, but our communication is still not good enough. We need more meetings."

"I’ve lived in the same house in the Elm Heights neighborhood for the past twenty years, and I just love everything about this town except for the problems that my politics have directly created."

"I am fully present in reviewing every single one of these 12,482 unread emails, and it does not bother me one bit that a majority of them start with 'We’ll connect on this when you’re back.'"

Oof. This one hurts

"They hope to make a quick exit."

Genius.

Q: What’s the biggest mistake people make with potato salad? A: It’s never about potato salad. You think your great-aunt gives a fuck about the mustard-to-raisins ratio? No. This is about her mother and about why Aunt Deborah got to take the stuffed pheasant when Pop Pop died.

"When it mentally replays all the stupid things it said during the day while falling asleep at night."

"Rather than take a yearlong sabbatical in Tuscany to write the next great novel, you call in sick two days in a row, hoping that’s enough time to get a few thousand words written. Instead, you end up writing a lengthy Instagram post on millennial malaise. It gets four likes."

"All I’m suggesting in this document is that humans’ underrepresentation in tech is not due to discrimination. Rather, it is a result of biological differences. Specifically, humans have a biology."

"Telemundo had todos los games. I have Telemundo on Peacock because mi madre le gusta Law y Order and the whole familia shares la password."

I have a film project for Tim Robinson.

Existential angst comes for us all, including magical creatures of the forest.

"Rather than being born a Kennedy, or a Rockefeller, the old man had been born to a family of modest centimillionaires. Having a Kennedy in his employ could not make up for those humiliatingly humble roots. Besides, the Kennedy working for him was the lowliest Kennedy."

"Are you a participant in a battle of wills with a roommate over who will be the first to give in and do the dishes?"

Ahahahaha

A classic.