Профиль

Less than half of all Americans vote for everything, you empty husk & corpse of the idea of journalism

There’s one place Sophie Cunningham’s name never gets brought up, and that’s when people are talking about actual basketball games

It’s a real bummer when pretty nice people you know are just terminally stupid

I’ve had a mysterious elbow problem for 2 months, and today the doctor said “I saw that you’re a comedian — do you grip the mic tightly?” and now I just think I’m gonna die from this

There’s no way to invite all Facebook followers from a specific city to a show I’m doing in that city, but Facebook WOULD like to know if I’d like to reply to posts with an avatar. Helpful

It’s too bad you can’t binge an alcohol cleanse really fast. I can get really drunk in 4 hours, I should be able to get really sober in the same amount of time

Zanies Chicago 7/21! Already got an angry message from a mediocre former Chicago comic I hadn’t seen in 15 years who is only memorable for turning into a mentally ill racist, so it’s safe to say the promotion machine is going GREAT babyyyy

Incredible goofball shit going on at the all-star game America 250, constitution theme party. Go further! All New York reps should abstain from playing until the game’s already over. Pennsylvania players should keep insisting we should play soccer instead. Let’s go full 1776

Spain big time deserves that win AND I’m sad

Is Jake Tapper fit to host a show on CNN? Seems his mental and physical acuity is deteriorating rapidly. Maybe he should write a book about himself

Incredible final round by Jordan Walker. And he’s an ultimate Cardinal because even when he’s good, it sucks the joy out of something

You know the US is a young, tier-below soccer culture because no other country in the world would have Pollyannas being like “the true honor is to suspend our own player!” Lol. Lmao even

I love to root an underdog but also, you have to have some baseline level of dignity. For this reason, get Paraguay outta here

Hey France — fuckin, get it together

It’s perfect that the biggest knob of a manager in the world cup’s final 16 was an American export. Jessie Marsch, thank you for representing this era of disingenuous fame chasing 🇺🇸 (nice job Canada tho)

I would have gotten this in one guess. Perfect

Not kidding, the announcers who do the Nathan’s hot dog competition consistently put up masterclass year after year, some of the most competent and entertaining work in all of sport

Plenty to make fun of Taylor Swift for but “I’m not impressed she donated 26 million” is corny. The people who benefit from the 26 mil are probably a little impressed. Pediatric cancer care got money! You can just allow that that’s good. Now, when she did that song saying she’s “wet”? THAT sucked

Gotta admit: solid bit to choose to get married in the center of the country’s largest city, in its most famous arena, then put up tarps for “privacy.” Sense of irony did NOT make the invite list

Pretty glad USA had birthright citizenship for that Brooklyn born, English raised goal, aren’t ya, you xenophobic freaks