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folks did you hear this. they found a new kind of monkey with a noticeable orange coloration. yeah. im hearing he was discovered in the freaking white house

when i die i hope my family puts together my eulogy just like the story in the usual suspects

hot dogs for my real friends. real dogs for my hot friends

smart move for lebron to move to the team whose jersey has his age on it

she was a date ripper movie farter, yeah it took it soooo long to air out but it aired out

what have i become? my swedish chef everyone i know goes away then theyve left and you could have it all my empire of pork i will let you down i will make you BORK

autocorrect keeps changing marlins to marxism in my essay about the florida marxism

im at the marxism. im at the leninism. im at the combination marxism-leninism

added time? extra time? stoppage time? heck call me when its dinner time

i hate it when backbeat the word is on the street that the fire in my heart is out

*to the tune of teenage mutant ninja turtles* srinivasa ramanujan

the only odyssey i care about is the minivan that gets my family safely to and from church

you know who i think should get the damn golden boot. thats right. president donald j trump

welcome to the third place game of the world cup, where the rules are made up and the points dont matter

i couldnt for the life of me remember the name of the terrible late 90s movie i saw but eventually found it on wikipedia: Warriors of Virtue. and i am losing it at this part of the article

John Sex

i hate when people call me gormless. i have ample gorm

take me down to the parasite city where the lettuce green and the floors are shitty

your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they forgot about dre