dan mentos

interviewer: why should we hire you over the clearly more qualified candidates me: I can draw an ampersand freehand interviewer: holy shit

genie: you have three wishes me: can I wish for more wishes? genie: no me: I wish I could wish for more wishes genie: god dammit

another clickbait headline. just tell us the name of the damn species!!

if I had a nickelback for every time I heard a song I secretly like

*calls my AA sponsor at 3am* I need a tow sponsor: that's AAA you idiot

me: the proof is in the pudding math teacher: this is why you’re failing

I'll never snitch (apropos of nothing shout out @ygrene.bsky.social )

Tomorrow is "Shoutout the Person Who Gave You a Bluesky Invite Code" Day. It was a cool time for cool people to drag other cool people here.

spend less on candles

He still thinks this is a winning argument

the new jason bourne movie is long af

QWOP

Name a videogame you've played for 1100 hours.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

[whispering to date while watching The Odyssey when Chappie first appears on the screen] I think we’re in the wrong theater

whoever rebranded dentist office music to yacht rock is a marketing genius

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