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I was texting my dad MLB trade deadline updates throughout the day and he finally texted me back at 8 pm “yeah”

Suitors stringing the bow of Odysseus epic FAIL compilation .mp4

I wrote for this and it premieres today! Check it out if you also get annoyed that regular Jeopardy has like 1 sports question per episode and it turns out to technically be a geography question and you're like COME on!!!

Sports teams unveiling a new third jersey are always like "the brown stripe is a nod to our town's original nickname, Sewer City"

(To anyone who comes near the water cooler) Did you hear about faith-based AI company Gloo?

Had no idea that’s what OAR stood for

It’s tempting to be like “The Odyssey made a fortune so the casting controversy was fake!” and that’s semi true, but the world’s richest man also posted about it every day for months to hundreds of millions of people on the platform he owns. It was very real to some very influential people!

We need a name that really conveys “we are not criminals who will rip you off and/or murder you”

To stay HEALTHY I'm avoiding SALADS 🤣 sounds like some shit a minion in a nurse's cap would say on 2014 Facebook but it's actually shrewd advice I am currently following

In order to keep my kid 100% safe, I say "careful" out loud 58 times per day while she's doing something. This makes her invincible

Hey MAMDANI, what do you think of THIS (Vid of me spraying my hose into my microwave, unclear what grievance I'm responding to)

FOX calling off the hit on that ref

Who could forget the summer we were all saying Bart’s hit catchphrase “Watch it, dude.”

In terms of best Jackass gags, nothing makes me laugh harder than when they're pretending to throw playing cards at Wee Man but actually shocking him with an electrified stool, and he eventually thinks he figures it out and goes "you've got a MACHINE throwing the cards!"

One guy talking to himself

Are people still doing posts like "Lemon-Lime Powerade is better than Gatorade, FIGHT ME!!!!" Because I just had both and it is. You don't have to fight me though it's just a thing I think

Our kid moving up to the older daycare class really does feel like a prospect being promoted in the minors. She wasn't being challenged on shapes or colors anymore but this new level is exposing her weakness at going to the potty

I have a fantasy of someday running for office and my opposition digs through all of my old tweets and they can't believe how many underrated bangers are in there

Prediction: Alexi Lalas isn't brought back for the next World Cup and does a hard-right media tour

Fun part of this World Cup is learning about all these specific ethnic enclaves in the US, every game has some cut that’s like “and here’s the famed Curaçaoan community in Wilmington, Delaware” and it’s some random bar with like 450,000 people