Профиль

BEFORE ANYONE STARTS IN, NO, OUR ORGANIZATION HAD NO HAND IN THAT MEPHISTO CASTING.

PEOPLE HAVE MANY CHOICES FOR EVIL THESE DAYS, BUT CONSIDER THESE BENEFITS TO JOINING COBRA OVER THE REPUBLICAN PARTY: - NO TARIFFS, WE JUST STEAL GOLD BARS - WE HAVE YET TO GIVE ANYONE DEATH DIARRHEA OUTSIDE OF A LAB SETTING - WE FIRE ANY KIDDY DIDDLERS IN OUR RANKS INTO THE EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE

(Same, to be honest. This whole profile is the alternative to me pulling my hair out over current events.)

Nothing less than the best

COBRA Commander says Trans Rights

I WILL ALLOW THIS AS LONG AS THEY ALLOW ME TO CREATIVELY CONSULT. IT TAKES A CERTAIN KIND OF PANACHE TO HIDE BEHIND A MOTHER & CHILD WHILE SHOOTING AN ENERGY PISTOL, AND I WON’T BE MISREPRESENTED!

AS WE SPEAK, MY ATOMIC CANON IS BEING PLACED ON THE LUNAR SURFACE T- What? Sam Neil died? NEW ORDERS: EVERYBODY GATHER IN THE PALACE LIVING ROOM! WE’RE DOING A MOVIE MARATHON! “IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS” UP FIRST IN T-MINUS 10 MINUTES! DESTRO, YOU’RE ON POPCORN DUTY!

GODDAMMIT, THE LASER MISSED & HIT LINDSEY GRAHAM INSTEAD! I AM SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENTS!!!!

I WISH I COULD CLAIM THE DIARRHEA VIRUS WAS ONE OF OUR MANY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION, BUT THE FACT IS WE ALL JUST GOT IT FROM EATING AT PANERA YESTERDAY AND WE ARE NOW FOCUSING ALL RETALIATORY ACTIONS AGAINST RFK FOR MAKING COBRA PALACE SMELL LIKE AN OUTHOUSE AT LOLLAPALOOZA.

SOME PEOPLE SAY I COPY THE CURRENT AMERICAN PRESIDENT TOO MUCH, BUT I WHOLEHEARTEDLY DISAGREE! FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF PUTTING ON A HILARIOUSLY ILL ATTENDED FESTIVAL FULL OF LOSERS & SEX CRIMINALS, I JUST PUNCHED MYSELF IN THE DICK. SAME RESULT.

Unless you want to have to show your government ID to every regularly-hacked-platform like Discord or Google, call your fucking Senators *NOW.*

FOR THE RECORD, WE DID *NOT* GIVE SGT. SLAUGHTER THE ENTIRE $300 BILLION OF OUR MAIN TREASURY BECAUSE WE “PICKED A FIGHT” WITH HIM AND HE (ALLEGEDLY) BEAT ALL OF US UP, SINGLEHANDEDLY, WITHOUT BREAKING A SWEAT. WE DID IT BECAUSE IT WAS CLEARLY A DRAW.

NOTE TO SELF: BUILD GIBBERISH RAY.

REASONS COBRA IS PREFERABLE TO YOUR CURRENT GOVERNMENT: - WE DO NOT TEAR GAS RIOTERS. WE SIMPLY TOSS YOU IN THE BATTLE ARENA. - EVERYBODY GETS THE SAME HEALTHCARE PLAN: FIGHTING IN THE BATTLE ARENA FOR WHO GETS TREATED. - OUR SECRET ISLANDS CONTAIN ONLY ANCIENT TEMPLES & BATTLE ARENAS.

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING IF COBRA PLANS TO PIVOT TO AI AND I KEEP INFORMING THEM TO PIVOT ON THE BUSINESS END OF A LASER CANON.

A LANDIS?! A *LANDIS*?!? GREAT! WE’LL BE ABLE TO WATCH FIFTEEN MINUTES OF THE MOVIE BEFORE ONE HALF OF THE WRITING TEAM STARTS GROPING THE ACTRESS PORTRAYING THE BARONESS RIGHT BEFORE A HELICOPTER CRUSHES THE ACTORS PORTRAYING ME & TWO SMALL CHILDREN! IDIOTS!

DESPITE WHAT THE MEDIA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE, WE ARE NOT LOSING THE BATTLE AGAINST G.I. JOE HEADQUARTERS. HAVE WE RUN OUT OF MUNITIONS? YES. HAVE THEY CAPTURED MAJOR BLUDD AND TIED HIM TO A FLAGPOLE? YES. AM I TYPING THIS FROM A HIDDEN BUNKER? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! KEEP FIGHTING, FOOLS!

WHO CARES IF SOMEONE TOOK A SHOT AT YOUR MEATBALL PRESIDENT?! MEGAN THEE STALLION IS SINGLE AGAIN! ZARTAN, DEPLOY THE COOKIE BOUQUETS & VERMONT TEDDY BEARS!

OF COURSE WE CELEBRATE PRIDE MONTH AT COBRA! THE DREADNOKS ARE BASICALLY AN ENTIRE LEATHER CLUB THAT SLEEP IN A BIG PILE! AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON WHERE THAT FANCY MUSTACHE OF DR. MINDBENDER’S HAS BEEN!

CHRIST, I AM NEVER LIVING THAT DOWN.