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If you read this far… thank you. I’m out of steam & I think I’ve gone over all the important stuff. I’m tired, all I am anymore is tired. NOTA BENE: I will not tolerate anyone badmouthing my mom for this. She was at her wit’s end & wanted to make him see reason. I’m just glad it’s almost over. ☑️☑️☑️

But I can’t help feeling a surge of hope from what she said about a fix. All of this might be over soon. I won’t have to walk on eggshells w/ my parents anymore. I can change his name in my phone back to his real one, instead of “ABSOLUTELY DO NOT” (I “named” him that the day after the cutoff).

I’ve gotten this far without him, & I will be okay, BUT, if I do what my weekly dreams keep telling me to & reconcile—which I want more than anything else in the world right now—that sends the message that I’m okay w/ the things he said to/about my mother & the awful things he called her to me. ⬇️

I say that, but I have mixed feelings. On one hand, this sad, broken Ellie I am can finally be buried in the past & I can reclaim the Ellie I lost that day (& people HAVE noticed I’m not the same as I was 24 hours prior). On the other hand, welcoming him back into my life sends a risky message. ⬇️

The other day, she called to me & asked, “What would you say if I found a new way to protect your SSI, in the event he STILL refuses to make a will?” I sighed w/ relief, dropped my shoulders; the very next words out of my mouth were, “thank GOD. I lost a year & a half of my life & for what?” ⬇️

I realized VERY recently that as painful as this is for me to go through, she’s probably trying to protect me from my father the way she tried all those times to make me cut off friends & partners. Whenever I fought her to respect my life, I was always better off listening to her. THE THING IS: ⬇️

but I’ve had time to reflect, & I think what DID happen is I finally listened to warnings. My mother has always been able to spot when someone is bad for me ever since I was young: friends, boyfriends, the few girlfriends I TOLD her about. I remember never listening & always getting BADLY hurt. ⬇️

In the year & a half since Jan 9, I have maybe said 100 words to him reluctantly over text. I haven’t seen his face or heard his voice in 1 year, 6 months, & 4 days. Except in weekly dreams. HE thinks Mom SCRIPTED me into telling him why I was no contact; initially that’s what I thought happened, ⬇️

⬆️ The above song, “I Will Be Okay” from Helluva Boss, details Octavia’s decision to stop speaking to her father & how she Will Be Okay without him in her life. I played it on a loop for some amount of time every day for weeks; I think in that timeframe, the fewest plays in 1 day was about 8. ⬇️

Mom never took it back. She asked me about an hour later if I was mad at HER; I looked up from staring past my phone in silence & said, meaner than I meant to, “I don’t know.” I don’t remember much of the next 2 weeks except playing 1 song on YouTube MANY times a day: ⬇️ youtu.be/gp7ja4c1FCU?...

"I Will Be Okay" // ORIGINAL SONG from HELLUVA BOSS - SINSMAS // S2: Episode 12YouTube video by BULBAyoutu.be

I. LOST. IT. Ice hit my spine & I threw a fit. Sitting in that chair, I shouted & screamed that I WOULD NOT I WOULD NOT I WOULD NOT, kicked/stomped the floor, & began shaking so bad I almost fell over. Only when Joel took off his jacket & wrapped it around my shoulders did I finally shut down. ⬇️

“I tried explaining how serious & important it is that he take action immediately to prevent you from losing your SSI, but he’s treating it like I’m being ridiculous. If I can’t get through to him, maybe you can. I want you to consider going no contact with your father to drive the point home.” ⬇️

“My will, when I die, dictates that your portion of my inheritance money will go into a trust fund & not affect your SSI disability money. Your father has not done that yet. If he dies today without a will, then your portion of HIS inheritance will immediately go to you, & you will lose your SSI. ⬇️

She wants me to throw a specific one out because it’s so badly damaged. “It’s ugly. The case you’re trying to make for saving it is nonsense.” But I went to toss it to end the discussion & physically couldn’t do it. This attachment is hurting my family & making me want to quit my repair shop.