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Press Release from Jared Fogle: I am very grateful to Donald Trump for making what I do more mainstream and almost acceptable to most Republicans!😃

Billboard: I am your stupid opinionated uncle at Thanksgiving, and I completely reject the insinuating remarks that Donald Trump at all resembles me! (Paid for by Avuncular Assholes United and its associated PAC)

Job Office: State your race or ethnicity. Girl: White. Job Office: White? You look black! Girl (sheepishly): I got too many tatttos!⚓️

Government: Have you spent the entire million that we have allotted to you for this year? Guy: Oh dear! I have somehow managed to spend two million dollars! Government: Too bad. Prepare to be homeless for the next year. Your allotment will begin again the following year. Good luck in the meantime.😵

In a world where everyone gets a million dollars a year. Government: You must spend this million completely by the end of the year. Everything left over will be confiscated as tax. Guy: I have spent the entire million except for one cent. Government: Congratulations. We are awarding you that penny.

The billionaires must be taxed at a 90% rate and more, or the garbage we are experiencing now will continue forever, and even get worse. This is not punitive, this is a matter of survival. If we don’t stop them now, the 99% is going to be destroyed. No one should have more than a million a year.🤑

Acolyte (talking to a falling drop of water): I feel your presence. Who are you? Voice: I am nowhere. I am everywhere. I am Brahman. Acolyte: Hi Brahman.💧

God is aware of all of us, and God knows everything that you do. You will see God after you die.

Girl: I hear that that you go to Stanford. Guy: No, I don’t go to that school any more. Girl: Why, what happened? Guy: I was kicked out for matriculating in public!😱

Joaquin Phoenix’s version of the Joker was brilliant and troubling. But Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker is still the best. It is immortal.🤡

Polish Astronaut: I think we landed on the sun! Friend: What makes you think so? Astronaut: We’re on fire!😲🔥

Human: Where are you from? Alien: I am from Neptune.👽🪐 Human: Impossible! Neptune is just a big ball of icy slush! Alien: I didn’t say I originated there, I just said that I’ve come from there. Human (skeptically): Oh yeah? Where do you stand on Neptune? Alien: I think it’s a pretty nice place.🤔

Frodo: Gandalf, what is truth and what is reality? Gandalf: The truth is what is true and reality is what is real. Frodo: But aren’t they the same? Gandalf: No. Middle Earth is true but it is not real. Frodo: But I think, I breathe. I am real! Gandalf: You’re mistaking a literary device for reality!

First Republican: Our party seems to be disintegrating. Why is this happening? Second Republican (shrugging): Trump won a second term.

Acolyte: Guru, I am unhappy. Guru: Acolyte, as soon as you realize that everything you experience on Earth is stupid, piss-poor, and bad, you will be ecstatically happy and enlightened. Acolyte: I feel badder all ready!

If being an asshole was a crime, half of the country would be in jail.

Girl (wiping orange gunk off her face): Ew! I’ve just been struck by projectile presidency!🤢