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1980s microwave: BING! Your food is ready! 2020s microwave: beep beep. ARE YOU LISTENING? I SAID BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER 🅱🅴🅴🅿 🅱🅴🅴🅿

My friend, you are the bee made entirely out of knees

A less horrifying version of law and order written by penis coyote

Family reunion this week. I brought a 2000 piece puzzle and removed 50 of them. Now we wait...

My favourite love triangles are hairy ones

It's hard to say which bird has the biggest wingspan. The condor has the biggest normally but the albatross is much more stretchy

Old man: *uploads photos to the cloud* Cloud: *deletes photos* Old man: *yells at cloud*

The first rule of heat pump owners club is never shut the fuck up about your heat pump

In the criminal justice system, traffic crimes involving unnecessarily large family cars are considered especially heinous. These are their stories DUNDUN *law and order SUV*

Duotang should be a drink, not a binder

Alberta: watches the total chaos and financial breakdown of the UK after brexit Alberta: that looks like a GREAT idea. Let's do that.

My dearest fellow, I have a bonnet made entirely out of bees

You are the controller for a rail junction. The train can go one of three ways. Someone is tied to the rails on one track but you don't know which. After you made your choice, you are shown one track which does NOT have someone tied to it. Should you change your decision?

You can tell how the war in Iran is going by watching gas prices: War going poorly: gas prices go up War going well: gas prices go up

Me: would you prefer to do something dumb or to be told that you're about to do something dumb? Wife:

To avoid an Idiocracy, everyone should only be allowed to have sex with people who are smarter than them

To AND fro? In this economy?

Apparently Vikings played the Jews harp. My mental image of a Viking raid has changed for ever

Now the summer holidays have started, although I never know what day it is, I've begun to notice a pattern. Every five days or so my friends all become available for like a two day stretch and then suddenly they're all busy again. Weird.

A cube of frozen water is a nice cube Wombats make a nasty cube