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How psyched do local meteorologists get when they have 30 uninterrupted minutes during a tornado warning. “This is the moment I’ve prepared for. The people need me.”

In the latest Mortal Kombat film there wasn’t a single animality, babality or friendship finisher. I wanted to see Sub-Zero as an infant. 0/10

Cool, I’ve always longed for the rich, deep lore of how Scrooge became a wealthy, exploitative piece of shit

The Greeks should have snuck into Troy inside a giant wooden dinosaur instead of a horse. Just a bunch of sweaty Greek dudes pouring out of a dinosaur’s stomach to kill and pillage a town. Athena would have appreciated that.

I’m on the cutting edge of what music critics are calling “the second wave of dubstep”

If DJT gets any redder or more bloated he’s liable to pop like a balloon just like Alex Jones

I spent many an hour asking strangers if they would like to try a game of lucky hit

Taco Bell needs to bring back Extreme Nachos, one of the most extreme foods ever developed by mankind

its like I always say… where there’s smoke, there’s fire

Perhaps these technicians should pray harder to the Omnissiah as they work their sacred protocols, apply consecrated oils, and purge these IMAX projectors of heretical pollution, so that they can manifest in cold steel precision the pristine display of The Odyssey in 70mm

If you want people to not mess with you, you CAN drive a dumb looking cyber tank that costs as much as a starter home. Or you can just drive a boring 15 year old economy car like me. Multiple approaches to this issue

Now that we’ve tracked the source of this diarrhea outbreak, it’s time to tackle the mystery of where all this smoke is coming from.

Stepped on the scale and was surprised at my weight loss, so tried again and it just read “Lo.” Either my scale’s fbatteries are failing or I’m shrinking at an astonishing rate

We can’t have these criminal illegals eating all of our delicious American pasta now can we

If I ever run for office, I will constantly smear my opponents as “sick freaks” into stuff so vile that, if known, would make grown men weep and claw at their eyes

Why are Clayton’s suit sleeves so short, that is the real crime here

I’m now approaching every meal and snack with the caution I would exhibit when visiting a rural developing country

Big fan of the Fr. Cauanaugh Chronicles

What are the Polymarket odds on how fast that microphone becomes a penis