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The Odyssey is a bit far fetched as far as I'm concerned. What are the chances that Achilles heel was actually his Achilles heel? 🐢💨

The first time a parallelogram used public transport, it got onto the Rhombus. 🐢💨

Bob Marley was a big doughnut fan, but he only really liked them Wi Jam in. 🐢💨

I clearly remember when I heard REM had split up. I was in my local Indian restaurant, and fainted. That's me in the Korma. 🐢💨

I ordered a book about a micropenis from Waterstones, and popped to town yesterday to see if it had arrived. The shop assistant said, " I don't think it's in yet." "That's the one." 🐢💨

My American neighbour has a job repairing car windscreens. Chip. 🐢💨

Two Beach Boys walk into a bar: "Round?" "Round." "Get a round?" "I'll get a Round." 🐢💨

What has 72 legs, and 26 teeth. The front row of a country and western concert. 🐢💨

I've just broken down beside the marina, and opposite the Hallmark shop in town. I'm stuck between a dock and a card place. 🐢💨

I went to a pescatarian soul food restaurant last night. I ordered the Ike and Tina Tuna. 🐢💨

Joey Tribbiani: Not Even SorryALT: Joey Tribbiani: Not Even Sorrystatic.klipy.com

My girlfriend bought me the worst present I've ever had. A Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav. It's constantly telling me to turn around, plus every now and then it falls apart. 🐢💨

I'm sure my laptop is faulty. It keeps playing 'Someone Like You' on a loop. It's a Dell. 🐢💨

Newborn babies must be terrified of the supernatural. They always cry during their first out of body experience. 🐢💨

I used to be in a band called "Sold Out" We were bloody good, posters and marketing was superb, but no one ever turned up to our gigs. 🐢💨

Apparently, Odysseus had an extremely unhealthy diet. All of his food was cooked in Ancient Greece. 🐢💨

I went to hospital for some tests yesterday, and the radiologist asked me out on a date. I think she saw something special in me. 🐢💨

Vote Binface Not Bungface 🐢💨

I came home yesterday and discovered two guys stealing my gate. I didn't like to say anything in case they took offence. 🐢💨

My girlfriend just said, "Why don't you do something sensible, such as write a book, instead of all your pathetic wordplay jokes." "That's a novel idea." 🐢💨

It's my girlfriend's birthday next week, and she's been not so subtly hinting she wants something with diamonds in it. She's going to love this pack of cards I've bought her. 🐢💨