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[First day, CSI] Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?” - “Me sir” Inspector: “Did… did ALL the victims have jazz-hands?” - “Sir. Yes sir”

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some cash, and several of their fingers

Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around

When my internet goes down, I just go back to ruining my life locally

I’m not arrogant BECAUSE I’m the greatest. That’s just a coincidence

Today will be spent trying to persuade my friend Darren to stop leaving gorillas in the mist

Today, in a show of solidarity with my mutuals, I will not be writing any good skeets

*very carefully selects the wrong option*

The first thing I’m going to do is do it later

Having no friends is very affordable

Sorry! Can’t come in to work today. I hate it

Where’s a falling anvil when you need one?

Many of you have been in touch asking if there are instrumental versions of my skeets

People who only “like” your skeets want you to know that they could’ve reskeeted it but chose instead to laugh in the face of your poor, hungry children

Have you guys tried knitting? It tastes horrible

I have no sense of smell, so I find it impossible to determine your mood, health, and what you had for dinner, just by sniffing you

Does anyone know the Greek for “cake”? I want to describe my sexuality scientifically

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing, and never came back

Never. Confide. In. Your. Wife’s. Parrot

Thank you all for your health suggestions (die), relationships advice (go fuck yourself), and open minded attitude to a balanced diet (eat a bag of dicks)