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“I’m segmenting this carcass with a band saw when I see this dude by the offal separator who has to be 17, maybe even 18,” said Justin Henderson
Meatpacking Plant Workers Weirded Out By Guy Older Than 16HOLCOMB, KS—Confused and even disturbed at the sight of a new employee who recently appeared on the processing line, workers at local meatpacking plant Carlyle Foods confirmed Thursday that they were ...theonion.com“Wow, look at all these greens, not to mention the cucumber slices and the cherry tomatoes,” said Logan Barger
Man Eating Salad Takes Moment To Appreciate What A Good Boy He’s BeingGRAND JUNCTION, CO—Pausing as he lifted a forkful of lettuce and baby spinach toward his mouth, local man Logan Barger reportedly took a moment Monday to appreciate what a good boy he was being as he ...theonion.com
“Ms. Langley’s shaggy curtain bangs are clearly a direct copy of Swift’s Lover-era hair,” Swift’s attorney Douglas Baldridge wrote in the court filing, which sought $100 in damages and an immediate change in hairstyle from Langley.
Taylor Swift Sues Ella Langley For Bangs InfringementNEW YORK—Arguing that the country artist’s hairstyle was damaging the value of her own well-established signature look, pop star Taylor Swift filed a lawsuit Wednesday accusing Ella Langley of bangs i...theonion.com“We want to be as thorough as possible in our preparations, so forcing potential astronauts to continuously fast and exercise until they lose most of their body weight is now the first step in training,” said NASA’s flight operations director Grant Haywood
NASA Requires Astronauts In Training To Drop To 25 Pounds To Simulate Weight On MoonHOUSTON—Instituting the health mandate in order to ensure proper acclimation to the reduced gravity of Earth’s only natural satellite, NASA officials announced Wednesday that it would require astronau...theonion.com“Holy shit, this cat’s got a big-ass watch, he’s wearing a tuxedo, and he’s smoking the fattest cigar I’ve ever seen,” Derek Ludlow said to himself as he reposted the highly stylized reel with the caption “GOALS,” accompanied by three diamond emojis.
Adult Man Genuinely Inspired By AI Video Of Lion Wearing RolexIRVINE, CA—Eyes widening in awe as the 3D-rendered content appeared on his Instagram feed, local 38-year-old Derek Ludlow reported Wednesday that he felt genuinely inspired by an AI-generated video of...theonion.com