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I’m not officially listed as one of the people who discovered Gummy Bear Poisoning but without my body to study the medical world would still be in the dark.

If you write a letter to Santa Claus with no mailing address, the post office figures it out. Same with the famous witch Lady Slime.

My protein powder says KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN because if the children start locking in their gains, they will eventually punish us for what we have left them.

I’m not a licensed cabbage grader but I believe these to be blue ribbon worthy

I can’t accept raw ore, sir. You gotta exchange that somewhere.

Laid out the outfit I want her to wear on our date.

Made some food (cut up stuff in frying pan). It was edible.

Guy who I used to slip n slide with saw me at the grocery store and asked me how my “sabbatical” was going. Looks like it’s about time I soap up and remind these drystanders why they call me The Hagfish.

Heard a horn coming from the ice cream factory, so I started running towards it (hoping for a geyser), but the horn was actually a klaxon, and now my bleached bones are scattered across the wasteland.

Rolled the waistband of my shorts to expose more leg meat. Confidence is the hottest accessory.

Lincoln needed more milk

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I have allowed my raspberry bushes to behave despicably. It really is the parents.

I promise to only hold it against you for the rest of this life.

I could be described as a Q-tip power user. If there were reward tiers I would be diamond platinum.

Cut is too aggressive. I prefer copy followed by a gentle, humane delete.

Rich people are eating minions whole like that illegal French songbird.

Got busted trying to pass off Austin Powers stories as my own. Date was much more shagadelic than they appeared.

Looking up things I don’t like to confuse and harm the algorithm.

I’ve never been swarmed by anything good. Always wasps and mosquitos never puppies.

Give potato to your brotato. Split your fries between all the guys. Make sure you share your pomme de terre.