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Look, the United States was founded as a Muslim nation and, whatever secular window-dressing you put on it, it will always remain at heart a Muslim nation. No amount of spending on centrist unicorns, no matter how innately charming and preternaturally talented, can overcome that basic advantage

I’ve seen enough (there’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance)

Guys who say “females” make guys who say “broads” seem dateable

Mixing up a batch of Taylor Negronis. It’s just like regular street negronis but silently judging you

8yo: Bebsi…Bebsi…Bebsi… Me: Why do you keep saying Pepsi in Arabic? 8yo: Because it’s catchy Me: Bebsi…Bebsi…Bebsi… Wife: Bebsi…Bebsi…Bebsi…

My 8yo said he wanted to use his allowance to buy How to Read Donald Duck. I told him that was a very privileged attitude

RFKjr is peanut-coded. I will not be answering questions at this time

They should have more modern memes on license plates. I should be able to get a Tiger King license plate from Oklahoma

2 minutes into a Mountain song: I should listen to more songs by Mountain 5 minutes into a Mountain song: Why is this still going on? At the end of a Mountain song: Oh, man, why’d that have to end?

Deepfake Chopra?

With small-town feel, urban amenities and walkability, and guaranteed to be completely flattened in the first strike of any nuclear war, Bath, Maine, has it all!

I started with my father’s 1947 edition but then we got the 1983. A few years later I discovered our 1911 and 1929 Britannicas…

Election Day? Oh, you mean Whalefucktion Day

Don’t button top button of a shirt if you’re not wearing a tie. Don’t tuck in a shirt to shorts. Don’t not tuck a shirt with long pants. Roll up the sleeves of a long-sleeve shirt if you’ve taken your jacket off. Never tuck in a short-sleeve shirt. Never don’t tuck in a long-sleeve button-up shirt

These people are extremely far from creating a widget that does anything worth doing

Brilliant echo of the brilliant Tom Funk Middlebrow chart for Russell Lynes’ 1949 Life Magazine article