Профиль

Sad that the world cup is over and I can no longer enjoy my favourite hobby (inspecting the string of flags in pubs to see if they are accurate to the teams playing in this world cup or are the flags from a previous tournament)

[James Stewart as Odysseus] now listen here, Agamemnon, I'm going home, y'see. You keep your fancy armour, I'm getting off this crummy ol' beach. [Spotting the Cyclops] now here's a curious fella, he's only got one peeper

[Greek soldier who got turned into a pig] yeah Circe was crazy [Me, who got turned into a tiger] good judge of character though

[TikToker who power washes stuff] hi guys welcome back to my channel, today we're cleaning out a Trojan Horse that has seen better days. It's full of piss and shit so that's where we're gonna start

[Trojans trying to check if there's anyone inside the horse] yeah the ending of Lost was so bad, they were dead the whole time [Me breaking out of the horse, dooming us all] that is NOT what happened are you STUPID

it's been a pleasure to ride it all night long with everyone here in the studio, and of course you the viewers back home. and if you're going my way, i hope we'll all see each other again very soon. good night

[me if I was the ITV presenter responsible for the final narration] Life is a highway. But all highways must end eventually. What a road it's been. There's been some bumps along the way, but we got to our destination, didn't we? Until the next road trip, goodnight, and keep your eyes on the road

[Shakespeare writing a VAR check] Messi: do you cover your mouth sir Cucurella: I cover my mouth sir but not at you sir

“Animal, I thought you was dead”

All worth it to hear Ian Wright say 'good to see Animal again' as if he's an old teammate of his

Even Infantino thought that was a bit shit

Okay, did the halftime show entertain? No. Was it cohesive? No. But did it feature some good tunes you recognised? Also no

Gotta say that's brave from Justin Bieber. If I was him I would've sang an upbeat song that's everyone liked, rather than a moodkiller that no one knows. Why he gets paid the big bucks

I dropped hints to my girlfriend that I wanted to see Pharrell, sadly she's got me tickets for AKA Rocky

Scottish flag was prominent during the FIFA anthem, you'll never sing that

Fair enough, seems a little reductive to be remembered as 'pigeon lady', but it really was a brilliant role - a homeless character treated with compassion, not a punchline, and depicted as a good person with bad luck, worthy of love and friendship. RIP.

This is how it feels as a Scottish person when you see an England fan wound up so much they use the term 'bitter jock'

The main problem with Tuchel is [suddenly realising he might get sacked and Scotland need a manager] he's perhaps too handsome

The great thing about Britain is you're free to think whatever you want to think and say whatever J. K. Rowling's lawyers permit you to say.

Argentina vs Spain, the final which is already being described as 'Messi vs the boy who he bathed in a tub when he was a toddler for some reason'