Профиль

Our hotel housekeeping staff have been on strike for a week. We have no idea who’s been going in and changing your sheets.

If you ordered a burger three months ago and are still waiting, we just found the kitchen order ticket. It should be ready in about 5 minutes.

Don’t let the summer heat get you down. We’re running our air conditioning noon to 2pm every day.

New in our lost & found: - Black leather wallet, empty except for a Lowe's gift card - Paperback copy of Tom Clancy's "Without Remorse" - "Blue Lives Matter" flag window decal. Flag has only 46 stars - An envelope that says "Call Shelia"

Please stop writing bad reviews about our new The Odyssey slot machine. We know the leprechaun bonuses and Odysseus saying "How do you like them apples" are not historically accurate.

Good news everyone! The ancient swamp creatures haven’t devoured a gambler for 3 days now, so it’s probably safe to come back!

If you need to speak to Mitch McConnell he has been sitting in our bingo room for the last two months.

If you're in the market for a new vehicle, our blackjack dealer Lonnie is selling his late aunt's minivan. 95,000 miles, some transmission work recommended.

Smoke in your hotel bed all you want. Our linens 98% fireproof.

Warning: looking directly at our carpet may cause nausea.

New in our lost & found: - Hand-drawn map that says "way to Tucker's place" - One (1) calculator watch - A blue nylon gym bag stuffed with other blue nylon gym bags - Photograph of sleeping man. "Here's proof" written on the back

Let our blackjack dealers explain to you why it’s a good idea to take a card when you have 20

Please don’t mind the glowing eyes that are currently watching you from the shadows. We’ve been told by the exterminator that they’re mostly harmless.

Guests who ask our concierge "where a fellow can find a little action around here" will likely be directed to Crazy Carl's Paintball Range.

You know the phrase "gamble with your life"? Pending gaming commission approval, we have big news coming soon!

Of course our wealthy customers get extra perks. We can’t just hand out extra ranch dressing to everyone

New in our lost & found: - One (1) ankle monitor - One (1) unopened packet of Country Time lemonade mix, expired - The thimble from a Monopoly set - Billy Joel concert t-shirt, River of Dreams tour

A lot of companies try to hide the number of employee fatalities. We think you have a right to know.

It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of Delacourt Rivers (1901-2026), younger brother of our founder Charles River (he changed his name to distance himself from his brother's deeds in the 1960s).

If you leave us a bad Yelp review, the river witch will totally wreck your credit score. She moonlights in our IT department.