Профиль

Thought there was a bug in my nose but it was just my nose hair growing into my beard hair. Please join me on my journey of turning into a bush.

I don't have a weighted blanket, I have a 70 lb dog with boundary issues.

The genius of TikTok is even if you don't download the app, your friends will download the good ones and text them to you. Like when you'd print out a meme for your dad to take to work.

All candy should be like Sour Patch Kids. They let you know it’s time to stop when you taste blood.

It's dumb that when it's really cold you can put on extra layers but when it's really hot you can't get extra naked.

We see you, guy in the Cybertruck. Sorry your dad didn't.

Some green toothbrush shaped treat isn't going to freshen my dog's breath. Her other favorite treat is basically petrified pig rectum particle board. They smell like someone hiked all day in leather underwear.

Every guy in a rec league wearing number 69 has a DUI.

Baseball players should at least get to have an earbud in with a podcast going or something.

When I was 10 | went apple picking on my cousin's farm and spent all day climbing trees and eating apples until I got a horrible stomach ache and then had terrible diarrhea and my cousin heard me through the bathroom door and said "we call that the green apple splatters." The end

Red Bull doesn’t taste very good but at least we’ll all be used to the taste of sucking off a robot when AI takes over.

Your natural deodorant got you smelling a little too natural.

Kind of wild to think that in a few million years soccer players won't have arms.

My team won tonight because I yelled at the TV the loudest. They played great but it was mostly me.

I haven’t met another left handed person in a while. Let me know you're there to make sure we aren’t being eliminated Highlander style. Or fight me, coward.

A person cuts open a person and pulls a person out. When you think about it, C-section is the most metal way you can come into this world.

One time on a river rafting trip I asked if we could stop so I could use the bathroom and the guide said to just dunk my lower half in the river and go, so I did. After a few minutes he said “That’s a long pee.” And I said “Pee?” No one talked to me after that.

Movie theater etiquette is dead, but I paid $50 for the ticket, popcorn and a soda. You're dead too if you're talking near me.

Every year I forget about mosquitos, but they never forget about me.

I don’t get people who listen to podcasts at x2 speed. It just feels like hanging out with people on coke.