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writing professor who wants to fight you about your word choice: why iota

(guy who’s terrified of becoming a donut) they’re GLAZING him?!

if you don’t stop, i’m going to give you a scoop of ice cream. i’m fucking serious.

pickup estimate before placing the order: 3-13 minutes pickup estimate immediately after clicking place order: tomorrow maybe? honestly idk. but we'll send you nine messages right now, and then one 25 minutes after you've already picked it up

me when i see a bottle of juice at the grocery store: eh i don’t need that. just drinking sugar basically me when i see a thin, tall glass of juice at a restaurant: ah, nature’s delight. twould refresh me, surely. i think i shall. i think i shall.

(as the cashier holds my $50 bill up to the light) You're absolutely right — I counterfeited that currency. People often confidently present false money as legitimate. Thank you for catching it.

birthday clown: who honked my nose?! was it you? was it you? you're saying it was ME?! you're lying! hee hee! kid who reads a lot of internet comments: To be fair, many birthday clowns do have the children honk their nose. Worth considering.

guy who hears about a feature in one product and then expects it in every product: is this an induction elevator

im playing this again, starting on a boss fight, and doing ten squats every time i die. i'm doing this by choice.

your honor, it doesn’t count as laughing at my own joke if all i did was write the prompt

calm, curious shrek asking what you're doing in his swamp

only just struck me that one of the final lyrics in Mambo No. 5 is "you can't run, you can't hide." feels like that should kind of change the tenor of the song a bit. especially given that he is listing people

in these guys' minds, Medicare For All is such a winning issue that it can carry a "small group of radical extremists" to total victory. they believe all they'd have to do to cut off the DSA at the knees would be to endorse it. and they still refuse to

list complete! fun time

man it’s a hot one

Видео

you can practically see the defense lawyer whispering in his ear

this episode is so funny

gotta imagine the Don't Pay Attention to Politics folks are kind of tired of hearing stuff like "don't get the side salad or you might die of Super Diarrhea"

the White House defended the aircraft's safety? pretty sure it's supposed to be the other way around!! folks,