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t.A.U.t sang "all the things she said running through my head". Imagine ALL the things someone said running through your head. That's some kind of Greek God revenge shit

Remember to compliment your fellow locker room inhabitants. For example: "Wow, Brad, that's a mighty fine penis. Hey everyone! Come and look at Brad's penis!" Men. Love. Compliments

Hello? What happened?! Wait, I think you have the wrong number - this is Beverley Hills 90211

Hello? Sorry, who? The Beast? Ah, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 665

Shout out to all the anti-President songs from before Trump got into office

In the 1990s Right Said Fred topped the charts with their whimsical bop "I'm too sexy". Whilst an entertaining pop song it does little to educate the world about the very real condition of being too sexy that affects me and a handful of other people globally, and the challenges we face day to day

I really don't mind who wins tonight as long as everyone has a nice time and England win

Have you tried being rich about it?

American politics would be greatly if there were joke candidates. Imagine Trump having to debate a person dressed as Garfield whose primary election promises were free lasagne and a ban on Mondays

Gotta love British politics. Try explaining to a foreigner why the man who was the MP is now standing to be an MP and his opponent is an alien with a bin for a head

In solidarity with Nigel Farrage I have quit my job in the midst of an investigation into my conduct. I will reapply for my job when it is advertised. Sticking two fingers up to the establishment!

And next on "You Bet" we have Gwen Stefani who says she can name the primary constituent of faeces using only 2 senses

Introducing Prime's "English as a foreign language course". By the end of the course you will be able to understand, with confidence, the difference between This is shit This is a shit This is the shit

250 years since Will Smith killed all them aliens

Genuine text conversation with my wife: Wife: can you pick up a parcel from the shop? Me: anything for you X Wife: no, they're shoes for your son Me: not what I meant Wife: oh, we need milk and eggs

You get one wish to acquire a skill. But the caveat is that it has to be really quite mundane and very specific. What are you going with? Mine would be the ability to pick up a puzzle piece and immediately place it, but only when it's someone else's puzzle

Fixed the vaccum cleaner today. No idea how - classic "take apart, put back together" fix. What did I tell my wife? "Rerouted the encryptions on the flux capacitor". Please don't ruin this for me

My reasons for learning origami are to fold

My decision to buy a three-pack of ice creams and consume them all was on the basis of unit economics alone, not greed

The most secretive of bushes is the privet