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If I worked at a house of curios and somehow acquired a monkey’s paw that would grant wishes that came with ironic consequences I would charge at least $49.95 for it

I like how whenever the BRICS news account reports a country is developing a nuclear weapon they illustrate it by posting the menu image from duke nukem 3D

Some of y’a—[an eagle swoops in and grabs my phone and flies off before I can click Post. I decide not to get a new phone. I sell my belongings and move to the woods.]

Experiancing daysh of ooh…

My boss is so tight dude, he just brought me a big cardboard box to store all my dope office swag in. Plus he just called a couple security guards in here, probably so they can check out my new swag box.

deus ex was a documentary

Honey badger drinks when he wanfs!

declining player base probably my fault

falling out of a guard tower

Beat Regent A8 with merely 16 cloned Big Bangs

baseball researchers announce discovery of fourth strike

Now I lay me down to various shit

You should be able to bet on the events of the Bible

It’s important to know what some dumbass nerd said

Hey man sweet Honda. Is it translated by Emily Wilson lol. Is it directed by Christopher Nolan. Dude is your car Ancient Greek: Ὀδύσσεια, romanized: Odýsseia [odýsseːa])[2] one of two major epics of ancient Greek literature attributed to Homer? Is it bro?

CAKE should be expanded into a jobs program. Down on your luck? Pick up a cow bell or wood block. Only 500 tickets available tonight because there’s 4500 of us in the band

found out yesterday Jimmy smits is like a current guy. I thought he was the guy from it’s a wonderful life

Listen to @bloodwork.show