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*loading dildos into a t-shirt cannon like a pirate blunderbus* “No way I’m the first person to ever think of this… no way…”

Welcome to social media. Here are your options: 1. The child porn and Nazi site 2. The site for everyone’s racist dad 3. The site for watching Ariana Grande die 4. The site where everyone is 38 5. The site where you watch furries play video games 6. The site wh- Hey wait! Where are you going!?

Me: “so I was thinking of getting into piss play…” Gf: “did you break the toilet again?” Me: “I didn’t break it! It just broke! GOD!”

When your friends start having kids

Me: “I’ve invited you here to get your ideas for the big project” Coworkers: “great! I was thinking we could-“ Me: “let me rephrase: I invited you here as a hollow gesture to trick you into feeling included, like giving an unplugged controller to your little brother. I don’t want your dumb ideas.”

Genie: “you have freed me from my lamp! I shall grant y-“ Me: “the plane from Tailspin, Knowledge of how to fly and maintain the plane from Tailspin, and FAA clearance to fly the plane from Tailspin whenever & wherever I want.” Genie: “-I… uh… did you want to maybe think about-“ Me: “no. now!”

Starting an OnlyFans but it’s just unlicensed therapy at reasonable prices.

Confidence is opening a fresh point of ice cream and immediately throwing away the lid.

My fiancé, showing off her engagement ring: “-and it’s a lab made diamond. Totally ethical. He thought of everything!” [Earlier, at the diamond lab] Diamond scientist: “stuff another one of those orphans into the diamond making thing…”

This shitty Denny’s next to the freeway went out of business and now they’re turning it into a sushi place and I’m convinced it’s a mafia front because who the hell would look at a derelict Denny’s and say “well they couldn’t sell coffee to hobos here so our high end sushi place will def thrive”

Rand Paul wasted no time moving in on the “whiniest little bitch in Washington” title after Lindsey Grahams death, wow…

I like when one of my posts gets RT’d by some charity account thinking that it’s going to be a big visibility spike for their donation page. Appreciate the vote of confidence, m’guy but we’ll be lucky to break double digits on most of these…

When you think about it those hyper realistic cakes that look like random objects were the first deepfakes And just to get it out of the way: “deepcakes”. There, now you don’t have to say it.

Don’t want to brag but I think I just took one of those 7 billiard ball shits the toilet companies are always bragging about

Podcast with 20 million followers voice: “so you mean to tell me theres this guy who’s conveniently named ‘Odysseus’? And what does Odysseus do? Oh, he goes on an ‘Odyssey’? Seriously? Does Frodo go on a Frodyssey? Does Harry Potter go on a Pottyssey? lol more like Homeric Epic Fail… hard pass.”

I have a screening for TSA Global Entry next week and I posted this so that, if they use it as a reason to deny me, the newspapers will have to print it when they tell the story.

“I’m Garret Forger and my family have been iron workers since the 1600.” “I’m Mike Harper and my family have been musicians since the 1800s.” “I’m Jim Shepard and my family have been farmers since the 1500s.” “I’m Bob Dickinson and I’m required by Megan’s Law to inform you that-“

I suppose I can accept that most English last names come from a family profession hundreds of years ago (ex: Smith, Fisher, Mason, etc.) but that does raise some rather alarming questions about people with the surname “Dickinson”.

An alumni of our rehab just checked himself back in after a bad DUI crash. A day or two into treatment he asks if he can have another one of our branded sweatshirts bc “the paramedics had to cut me out of my old one after the crash.” Dude… no….

JD Vance looks like he jerks off so much they have to re-tread his dick every couple years like an old tire.