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My mom is trying to send me home with a rotisserie chicken to hold in my lap on the train later.

You have no idea how annoying I can be. I got a mime to yell at me when I was 15.

I don’t usually go this femme but I smell nice!

My roommate gave me a Camp Miasma shirt!!!!

My boss asking me if I’m content with the status of a project: “Vanessa are you happy?” Me half listening: “Do you mean like fundamentally?”

In 2018 my roommate was in the This Is America music video and you better believe I used that to get us everything from free shots to a ham.

Talked to my therapist about the very real possibility of losing my home and she said I should walk around thanking my home for being there for me for 6 years and anyway it ended up with my weeping and hugging my laundry machine.

Turtle is punishing me for not giving her attention while working by not allowing me access to the left side of the keyboard

I do not tolerate Peggy Hill slander.

No but seriously should I get baby bangs?

My glasses were BOGO so I also have these that give office siren/Betty La Fea.

If I hit my goal I’ll show hole* *Turtle’s

Should I wear this snoopy pimple patch to my meeting in the morning?

Watching I Dream of Jeanne and I loved this show as a kid. I wish something like Nick at Nite existed now to get kids watching stuff they wouldn’t see otherwise.

My roommate made me take a klonopin because she made a hypothetical joke about dying before me and I instantly cried so hard I hyperventilated.

Are you kidding me

An important thing to remember about Emeril Lagasse is that even Anthony Bourdain made fun of him until he actually got to know him, changed his mind and was like “this dude is the real deal”.

I live next door to a pizza place so my bathroom always smells like pepperoni.

New glasses who dis

I got my glasses prescription updated and I’m just walking around the house saying “wow” at all the detail I couldn’t see before.