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When people ask what I do, I tell them I'm laboring under a false dichotomy.

Apple bottom jeans, bell bottom jeans... Why can't they decide which part of the jeans is the bottom?

Warning: mayonnaise will expire before mustard.

Is there a doctor in the house? Because I'd like some feedback on my dissertation.

I'm so hungry I could go back in time and kill Hitler for a bran muffin.

Ass, gas, or grass...are words that rhyme. That concludes today's English lesson, here's that free motorcycle ride I promised you.

They told me I could park here.

If I can be earnest, I'd like to say "hello" to Vern.

If God wanted kittens to be pets why did He make them so delicious?

I honestly thought we'd all be encountering Tupac holograms on a daily basis by now.

There ain't no cure for the summer man boobs.

If we are made in God's image, why is my penis shaped like a 1973 Ford Econoline?

Did you hear about the policeman who was using confiscated pornography as currency? It was hot bartered cop porn.

Ground Control to Major Tom, we just received word from your wife: she doesn't love you back.

In a land of no-footied-pajama wearers, the one-footied-pajama wearer is king.

I've never been able to shake the emptiness I feel since Windows doesn't need me to watch it defrag the hard drive anymore.

Liquor in the front. Crazy Eights in the rear.

Letting a dog play basketball is unsafe for the dog and unfair to the other players.

As I get older, I feel my lifelong dream of farting on a celebrity slipping from my grasp.

Shine on you crazy Mormon.