Профиль

My kids are learning so much from running a lemonade stand, like how ice cream is only for closers.

My favorite Star Trek episode? It's called “How Would I Know, I'm Not A Dork.” That or “The Corbomite Maneuver.”

I go to my local Taco Bell so often they’ve given me a nickname (“Sad Man”).

Drugs. Alcohol. Cult membership. We cope with the truth about Santa Claus in different ways.

The kidnappers' instructions were so complicated I finally just gave up.

Like most of my idols, I am self-taught on the tambourine.

Depressed rooster merely noting sunrise in his journal.

If the good lord willing and the creek don't rise I won't be able to make it to your birthday thing.

I blame myself for not reading the “shoplifters will be prosecuted” sign.

I admit I first got into birdwatching in the hopes of meeting chicks.

In the world of “The Jetsons,” many of us are already dead.

Practical jokes are the best for expressing veiled hostility.

Told the Uber driver I may seem aloof but like to be drawn out with thoughtful questions.

Curious about the habits of lonely men, she asked what I was doing this weekend.

Had the lifeguard been more alert, he would have known I was only kidding.

No, I’m not telling you a shrimp fried this rice. That’s not what I’m saying at all.

I like going to restaurants by myself. It’s like getting stood up, without the cold realization.

There’s a lot of free food at high school reunions, if you don’t mind being shooed away.

My girlfriend’s brother is so annoying but I have to be nice to him because he sells me weed.