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My Roomba’s battery is low so I’m hand feeding it garbage until it gets its strength back

But I am cleaning up so well

All time British guy name here

Saw a chef on a cooking competition say he was gonna “rehydrate some raisins.” Buddy that’s just grapes. I know grapes when I see them

Me: What about that time I saw 11 sets of footprints in the sand Jesus: Look it’s a public beach

Living through the great insider trading era or 2025-2028 with morals

Love when Renaissance Faires pay attention to the details, one time I got stung by a bee that was wearing a suit of armor

Say what you want about Lindsey Graham,

These fireworks are not celebratory. I’m shooting them at God

A Dinosaur Jr cover band called Dinosaur the Third

It’s important to know your faults. For example if I’m not careful my Kermit the Frog impression will often veer into Marvin the Martian territory

“Comparison is the thief of joy” that’s a pretty good saying. But I’ve heard better

Drumeo be like “Miley Cyrus’ drummer hears the happy birthday song for the first time”

Famously frivolous items like electricity and sustenance

You couldn’t make The Office today. I wouldn’t let you. We have enough The Office already

I was the only one out in the streets last night with a Charles Oakley Knicks jersey on

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I really went all out covering the house in glitter. Once the celebration is over tho, he’s gonna have a lot of work to do

Sleeping with a knife under my pillow in case somebody breaks into my house and wants some delicious fresh sashimi in the middle of the night

The most hilariously pathetic thing about James Dolan is he used to force his employees to go see his dogshit band in concert

It’s my daughter’s birthday today. She got a OG Anunoby jersey and a pair of wheat Timbs. She’s 7 and has no idea she’s a Knicks fan yet