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PATRON [tapping bar]: i’ll have a vodka martini with a twist M NIGHT SHAMALAN: [opens a gatorade]

my birthday is coming up so i’m treating myself by setting the thermostat to 75

[breaks willow branch] i wish i had a monkey paw

tryin to learn the ins-and-outs of celibacy

headlines be like "ARE YOU BIG FRUG?" and then the article is about the top 10 hammers you can buy online

if the concept of schrödinger’s cat confuses you, imagine how the cat felt

me, a human: i wonder if there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe

as someone who was born, i think i have the right to be upset about it

not enough people get sucked into vortexes anymore