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I just bought a new refrigerator and did not realize until I installed it that there was no penthouse for the butter.

I'm guessing whoever chose the descriptions was unfamiliar with the term "pissing down" This is April-May nonsense usually.

Please, out of respect for their origins, they are "Hamburg sandwiches." Unless you are eating actual residents of Hamburg, i.e., Hamburgers ah shit I almost kept a straight face

I'm honestly shocked he hasn't gone in for Turkish hair plugs; it's like a hazard of the ideology for men of a certain age.

Always delighted to get the most disgusting thing I'll read all day out of the way before I'm done with my coffee.

Out of respect for that I'll refrain from asking how it is that everyone involved looks worse now. Man, is it raining here!

"How long will she be living at home?" is a very young parent's "most pressing question" about a nine year old.

"Literally rather do anything than enact gun control" remains the only meaningfully exceptional thing about Americans.

Oof. I did like a dozen of those during cancer treatment and eventually for surveillance they sent me to a guy who asks me to prep with Miralax overdoses and it's so much better. Good luck! (Believe me at least one potential alternative is far worse.)

Oh that's terrific. A million congratulations guy!

Bigger change of mental scenery than too many edibles.

There'd be quite a mess on the carpet if you were out cold for it.

"...and I'm James O'Keefe. This is 60 Minutes."

Ah man is that the salt version?

Neither of these is my favorite movie from my 18th birthday year year but I liked them both and the actor's journey between the two is... dramatic.

I was surprised to learn that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle turned the Cottingley fairies into a craze by publishing the photos and describing them as potentially "Epoch-making." My youngest, during his magician year, told me ACD and Houdini were estranged over spiritualism and remained so until death.

She obviously knows how being kahan worked out for kahan so as long as she's going into this eyes open...

One time I rented a house in PR in February. It was a mile from a bar that did all-night karaoke but bc the roads are twisty, it was uphill and about twenty yards away as the iguana crawls. Karaoke wasnt the problem. It was the first rooster starting immediately after karaoke ended near dawn.

It's astonishing that what was normal human government 75 years ago makes people think the hammer's here and the sickle's not far behind.

Reading for meaning is an important skill but reading with context is more difficult and a lot of people are still working on it.