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If you haven't yet, I highly recommend eating Chinese food.

There's a goldfinch going to town on the sunflowers in my front garden and just kind of riding the breeze and I think we're best friends now, which really speaks more to my lack of luck in human friendships than anything else.

If he was still alive today, I know Moby would agree with me that dropping in the clip of that guy yelling "Mortal Kombat!" would improve literally every techno song.

Finish HimALT: Finish Himstatic.klipy.com

I'm just a guy, standing in front of a dude, saying, "Hey, bro, what's with all fellas, pal?"

If forgetting is an unparalleled joy and remembering is a tragedy, then reminding is the greatest sin.

The correct filling for a gyro is: - thin slices of tomato - slivers of red onion - a handful of flavorless shredded lettuce - one (1) bucket of tzatziki sauce - enough well-crisped gyro meat for three (3) gyros

Turning the steering wheel with my pinkie out, to be polite.

DAUGHTER: You're my birth father, right? ME: That's what the tests say. D: It's kind of a boring term. M: I guess? What would you prefer? D:

I didn't think I've ever seen anybody eating at Velvet Taco.

I'm generally against the death penalty, unless you change lanes in the middle of an intersection, in which case I am lobbying the governor to fast track the execution.

🎶 Don't turn around (oh whoa oh) 🎶 Der Kommissar's in town (whoa oh oh!) 🎶 He just bought a zero-turn riding lawnmower and he will literally talk your ear off if you remind him of turning, because it's aaaaaall about his Toro these days (oh whoa oh)

There are only two professions in Paradise City: - model - gardener

I know it's silly, but I really do want a tiny whisk of my own.

I think at least part of the reason my parents ask me to look after their dog is that they know Ladybug listens to me about as well as I listened to them growing up. So, revenge.

Okay, I bought a used Honda Odyssey, but I still don't understand the reviews.

In a bid to remain an important part of my household, I'm now intercepting compliments from my wife that are meant for the dog. "I see some cute eeeeaaaars!" "Thank you. I wash them intermittently."

Legendary food enjoyer @thatbilloakley.bsky.social visited Braum's yesterday (so did I, not to brag) and he's a fan. www.instagram.com/reel/DbRDD-i...

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I just drove around a grown woman who was standing in the middle of the road, playing on her phone, like she's trying to get into the Darwin Awards Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

The Kinks are stupid and I hate them and I especially hate the way they can make me nostalgic for a life I never even experienced in the first place! They're the best band ever and I'm so mad at them and I love them and AARGGGHGHGHGHH!

I miss lettuce. It's The Summer of Sandwiches and, without big crunchy leaves of iceberg, it's not nearly as good.