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Man at laundromat started in on me about my mask, called me “dangerous.” Other guy flew in all “Bro, is this children’s librarian gym teacher scaring you? You afraid she’s gonna give you a pep talk about literacy? So dangerous!” Very fair read, mister. 😂😷

Handed the barber my phone thinking I’d pulled up a photo of my normal dad haircut but actually it was

Wife: What’s the name of that space lady you love whose uniform is Toronto Tempo colors? Me: I don’t even know where to start getting upset about that question. Wife: I’m not wrong! Me: No, and that also is somehow upsetting!

Wife from living room: Get the fuck outta here! I don't want to talk to you! I don't want to see you! Me: *rushing downstairs ready to fight someone* Wife: God, I am so sick of AI popping up in every single program!!!! Get out of my face!

I’m in such a toxic relationship with Walgreens. When I need them to *fill* a prescription, it’s all “We’ll get to it when we can. Maybe today, maybe closer to Halloween.” But when they need me to *pick up* a prescription, it’s “Come get these pills right now or we’ll throw them in the street!”

Therapist: You truly don't care if she hates you? Me: Why would I care what someone thinks about me if I don't admire their heart? If I don't hold the life they live in high esteem? Is a rainbow worried about the mud? Therapist: Jesus. I hope I never give you a reason to leave me a bad review.

If you’ve made a man furious by telling him that no, you haven’t read The Odyssey, because you don’t read books about straight men, finish him by explaining you DO like classics about gay men, such as Lord of the Rings.

There’s no one prouder of past me than present me around 5:30pm when the soup I put in the crockpot in the morning starts smelling so good. 😋🍲

Walked into the living room where my cat was lounging in the sun by an open window. I said “You are SUCH a cutie patootie.” And from outside I heard this lady go “Well, thank you!”

Little kid excitedly asking his mom “We’re getting Yoshi? WE’RE GETTING YOSHI?” He was getting more and more frustrated when she kept telling him he didn’t need a new Yoshi, he had Yoshi at home. I was like “Sorry to interrupt, these DOT spray-paints all over the sidewalk look like Yoshi eggs.” 🥹😂

If you’re wondering where I get my Heather Hogan-ness from, you should know that my grandmother has a whole herd of deer who come to her yard every day to hear her sing.

Veterinary specialist: You and your cat are the chillest patient/parent combo I’ve seen this entire summer. Me: She’s on gabapentin, I’m on Zoloft. 😌

I keep my work and personal image libraries together, which is sometimes chaos, but sometimes it results in delightful crossovers like searching for "lab workers" and getting this result. 😂😌

Me and my eldest cat on our way to get our arthritis shots

Good morning @mayor.nyc.gov! I know you've got a lot on your plate, but when you have a moment to spare, would you please look into this man who is causing some catastrophic problems in Brooklyn. I am, frankly, having a hard time sleeping knowing he's on the loose.

A mosquito got me UNDER my wedding ring?! I have never experienced such homophobia in my LIFE!!!!!

Watching this new Octavia Spencer and Hannah Waddingham series, and I gotta say, I don’t think a show has been shot to show off a woman’s jawline from every angle like this since Captain Janeway in Star Trek: Voyager. 😍

I took a gummy for my migraine and later realized I also wanted a Coke, so I walked across to the bodega. This lady who always sits outside chatting to everybody goes “Hey, you got any more of those?” And I literally said “Drugs?” And she cackled so loud and said “Masks! For the smoke!”

Just amazing work from Betsy, as always.

Quasar had to change to a senior kidney food diet that’s making her gain weight, so we had to cut back on the portion sizes in her automatic feeder. It’s like she knows this robot is betraying her, but she can’t figure out exactly how. She keeps circling it, glaring at it, bonking it, glaring at me.