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BREAKING: Donald Trump is now selling an exclusive data service providing faster warnings for when he shits himself.

BREAKING: The Trump Administration is reportedly having trouble finding lawyers to hire who are chill about losing their law licenses for the dumbest lies and most petty prosecutions imaginable.

BREAKING: Several Texan churches with pastors who have endorsed Ken Paxton over James Talarico from the pulpit are complaining about plummeting attendance and “virtually zero membership” among Millennial and Gen Z adults, who the pastors call “naive, unrealistic, Woke libtards.”

BREAKING: 74-year-old John Cornyn’s testosterone level has reportedly risen to the level of a 25-year-old since March when he lost his primary and decided he’d start standing up to Donald Trump and publicly call out his party’s Trump Derangement Syndrome.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly attended a prayer breakfast this morning, and, when he was asked what his favorite story from the Bible was, he said he just watched a movie about Jesus and then explained the entire plot of Christopher Nolan's "The Odyssey."

BREAKING: Donald Trump’s midterm strategy is reportedly to bank on his supporters being too stupid to realize that his policies have made all their problems in life worse.

BREAKING: Donald Trump is reportedly furious with Republican senators for not confirming Todd Blanche, and plans on upping his blackmail efforts to punish them for finally showing spine on something.

BREAKING: The secret feminist mafia who call themselves “The Clitorati” are reportedly launching dozens of “Republican twink” AI accounts online to catch the members of the GOP’s infamous “Closetocracy” in sex stings.

BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly demanding Satan refund his soul that he traded in exchange for Trump nominating him as Attorney General because now the Republican Senate won't confirm him, and he feels Satan is not keeping his end of the bargain.

He'd have to release all the Epstein Files... 😈😈😈

Trump Won't Sue You For Calling Him A Pedophile Because He Can'tThis week's Dada News headlines about the Closetocracy, the Tate Bros, the collapse of MAGA, and more!thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

We all knew this was true, but the specifics are still bewildering

A White House Chef Says Donald Trump Eats Like A Revolting SlobHelp me make fun of the Trump Administration all day long.thehalfwaycafe.substack.com

BREAKING: Top GOP pollsters are warning that Trump's directionless Iran War, chronic inflation, nonstop grifting, flip-flopping on Ukraine, demolition of D.C., and flagrant Epstein Files obstruction are leading to Democrats flipping Senate seats in NC, ME, OH, TX, AK, IA, and FL.

BREAKING: A top GOP official expressed frustration over GOP senators blocking Todd Blanche's confirmation because, "If everyone involved in covering up the Epstein Files and Trump's laundering of tax dollars got blocked, Trump's cabinet would have three people in it."

BREAKING: Todd Blanche is reportedly threatening that if he’s not confirmed as Attorney General he’ll work to cover up the Epstein Files and let Trump steal tax dollars “even harder.”

BREAKING: Several Senate Republicans are reportedly suffering from diarrhea today after they filmed themselves eating salads for lunch to troll Dr. Fauci after Fauci criticized Republican health policies including food regulation cuts and vaccine conspiracy theories.

BREAKING: MAGA fans are threatening to boycott the 2028 election if the GOP primary turns into a 2-way race between Marco Rubio, a hispanic anchor baby, and JD Vance, whose wife and kids aren’t white, but they promise it's not because of racism.

BREAKING: Donald Trump reportedly does 95% of his presidential work in a 30-minute window each day from 11:15am-11:45am after he has taken enough pills to finally be alert and cognizant, but before his noon 3-Big-Mac lunch that makes him crash and nap the rest of the day.

BREAKING: A Republican House member claims no one was gay, bi, or trans until Fauci forced everyone to get vaccinated for COVID.

BREAKING: Mitch McConnell’s staffers say he’s in a “temperature rehab.”

BREAKING: A Gofundme has reportedly raised $10,000 for the first journalist who finally asks Donald Trump how many soldiers Russia has to help Iran kill before he says something negative about Vladimir Putin.