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“I’m opening a The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe souvenir company” “Really? What are you calling it?” “Narnia Business” “Jeez, I only asked”.

Why are republicans cross with Fauci? its not as if he rolled out a vaccine against racism and paedophilia.

Just used the last of the antiperspirant spray. Roll on tomorrow.

turns out when they tell you on the train to report anything suspicious to the police, they don't mean the american president or brexit

Well, isn’t Emma Finucane just the business.

I've fallen for a wonderful girl who wears large gloves and has the number 1 written on her back. I don’t want to jinx it but I think this one's a keeper.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card? MAN: No MAGICIAN: Is this your card? MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging's too good for them.

Music FACT: Cardi B’s real name is Cardigan Bellybutton.

A photo of UEFA President Aleksander Čeferin, or as I like to call it FIFA foe thumb

I wrote an article about scissors for a newspaper but they didn’t run with it

[school register] teacher: jeff jeff: here teacher: geoff geoff: heore