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I just saw Mitch McConnell steal an Amazon package off my front porch.

Mitch McConnell has been sexting my neighbor this whole time.

In the long list of things about Alexi Lalas that piss me off, one is his local news sportscaster voice when recapping matches. Like he’s auditioning for a medium market 11 o’clock broadcast.

Are my family and friends getting tired of me using this as a dismissive response in most of my texts? Likely. Will I stop? NON!

Amen.

Bosnian coach and his Jax Teller-ass shoes. Respect.

I cannot explain how deeply this string of posts resonates with me.

I thought celebrities being hospitalized for exhaustion was code for “went too hard on the drugs & drink.” But here I am, 100% sober, fully understanding how one could be hospitalized for exhaustion. Lack of sleep, stress, dehydration, generalized malaise, [gestures] the world. Check me in, plz.

I have always hated Lalas, dating back to when his Spin Doctor lookin’ ass was acting like God’s gift on the pitch. Watching Zlatan and Henry crap on him has been sparking my fucking joy.

There has never been a more spot on depiction of Mom Rock.

Eric Stoltz has become Joe Biden. The physical transformation is complete.

Did the astronauts get the same Space Flu that felled Hen on 911? Can their terminal condition also be cured through diet and exercise (and the love of one’s work family)?

The apartment in The Bob Newhart Show defies all logic and the laws of physics. It cannot exist in the layout implied. Now if you’ll direct your attention to this rough sketch I’ve made on a yellow legal pad…

They kill fishermen, schoolgirls, community monitors, immigrants, cancer patients. They kill you because you are brown or Black or trans or poor or a woman. They kill you violently and quickly. They kill you slowly. I can’t focus on the price of gas right now, but that’s a way of killing, too.