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If Adolf Hitler flew in today, they'd send a limousine anyway.

Drunk people are many things. “Docile” isn’t usually near the top of the list. At least not here in Scotland.

Yeah... but then it'd be 30 years of Wonderwall.

Every World Cup ad break is just David Beckham. Starting to envy Brooklyn being able to have absolutely fuck all to do with him.

Could England winning the World Cup actually be worse than 30 more years of “It’s coming home”? 🤔

Drank my body weight in mint tea in Tangier. Scotland top on and trying to find the sweet spot between “authentic Moroccan football atmosphere” and “somewhere that sells beer.” 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🇲🇦🍺⚽

I love voting. Back in high school, not a virgin 💪

I know there are bigger things happening, but people on dating apps born in 1999 calling themselves “90s kids” are really pushing my buttons.

This shit gives me fucking hope. Or the opposite of hope 🤷

49 years old and just had the pint of my life. Ayinger am Platzl in Munich. Get the good stuff from the barrel. Tell them Dave sent you.

Last day of my mid-forties. 49 tomorrow 😱

Nobody ever thought to tell me about The Chameleons, a band it's pretty fucking obvious I'd love.

My tolerance for Western dining culture died tonight watching my sister try to split a bill mid-menopause.

Worst thing about VAR: Sunday mornings with your mates analysing every high tackle like it’s the fucking Zapruder film.

The best tweet I ever wrote said that if Putin wants to be seen as a tough guy, he should stop poisoning people and throwing them out of windows like a soap-opera bitch. The man’s now wearing as much make-up as Alexis fucking Carrington.

Still buzzing from the Scotland game! By far the best happy ending I’ve had in Bangkok.

The gays of Bangkok Grindr will not let me down. 🙏

If any Gods, old or new, can find me a bar in Bangkok showing the Scotland game tonight, I’ll happily give up atheism.

I’ve been outspoken about British colonialism, but it did take the British pub with it. The French table-service system is no use if you’re drinking alone. How are you supposed to meet people and annoy the hell out of them?

Asia is so friendly I’ve caught myself smiling at strangers. Makes me think I should stop being such a grumpy arse back home, but if you smile in Glasgow folk are like, “what’s his fucking game then?”