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I knew the real Rod Liddle. Once, at The Spectator garden party, I witnessed him saving a family of hedgehogs. Yes, he was a wife beating paedo, but he also saved those hedgehogs.

"Others were afraid to confess that they have a carnal, irrepressible sexual attraction to children, or call for child pornography to be legalised. Not 'playful genius' Rod. Like a paedophile Neil Armstrong, he took one giant leap for noncekind every time he submitted his brave columns."

EXCLUSIVE When I was at St Paul's school, James Murray used to bring shit sandwiches in his lunchbox - actual human shit sandwiched between two slices of white bread, with the crusts cut off.

It's necessary for me to confess that I was one of the boys who pissed in James's lunchbox. Not something I'm proud of, but it was a different time.

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Some deeply troubling news circulating around the media camp here in Dallas. Apparently several England players- including, I'm told, Harry Kane - have drowned in the swamp surrounding the Papa Johns Arena, having ignored advice to avoid walking anywhere.

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Hemel Hempstead man, Mark Thartley, 65, has been hospitalised after being mistaken for the real Sir Keir Starmer at yesterday's Unite The Kingdom protest.

The great war correspondents - Martha Gellhorn filing from Madrid, Michael Herr in Vietnam, Marie Colvin under shellfire - believed history lived in the details. In that spirit, I too will venture into the frontline chaos: a forensic examination of a bag of Zack Polanski's pants.

Sorry, @danneidle.bsky.social. The Pantis Prize is reserved for those who excel in British journalism. Although I appreciate your vision, your ham-fisted exposé has brought shame on the profession I love. Consider yourself officially banished from The Inner Circle.

🚨🚨🚨EXCLUSIVE: rumours are circulating in Westminster that Keir Starmer has signed a six album deal with Elektra records.

In his nefarious quest to take over Britain, Zack Polanski foolishly forgot to account for one thing: a Cambridge-educated, award-winning journalist exposing his fondness for luxury Charlie Bigham's ready meals - meals most voters simply cannot afford.

This is an artist's impression of what Zack Polanski might look like sleeping in a state of the art antisemitism chamber. I find it so distributing to imagine him lying there for hours supercharging his powers.

Thrilled to see this in Gower Street Waterstones today.

EXCLUSIVE: British London Books confirm that Matt Goodwin's book, Birth of a Nation, will be pulped following allegations that it was written entirely by ChatGPT.

I wonder if there's a connection between people who have been radicalised by social media misinformation and those stupid enough to believe that this is a medieval building.

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: Omid Djalili has sipped the enchanted transphobia elixir that destroys one's ability to have normal opinions about anything ever again.

Zack Polanski is afraid to debate me in the discourse dojo. I've been following him around all day, but he refuses to engage. When I tried to speak to Green Party activists, one of them gave me a wedgie and called me Dick Pantpiss. Can these people be trusted in government?

🚨🚨🚨BREAKING: infrared technology reveals that @zackpolanski.bsky.social's home contains no poppies or poppy-themed items.

EXCLUSIVE: Graham Linehan has learnt to live entirely without sleep, generating energy through a process known as indignation, whereby his bloodstream is continuously oxygenated through excessive rage tweeting.

Look at this horrid man.

The men's toilets in the House of Commons has graffiti on the cubicle door that reads: "Mike Tapp tapped Scooby." Not sure what this could mean.