Профиль

Rod Lidl Rest in peas

I was stunned when I found out I was holding my taser the wrong way! Stunned I tell you!

So I said to my hairdresser the other day, “I fancy a change. What cut would make me look prettier?” A power cut was not the answer I was expecting!

Reasons why I don’t own a gun: 1. I would use it

My therapist suggested I go out for a walk when I get angry. Long story cut short…I’m now in Mexico…

Husband: I want to divorce my wife. Solicitor: On what grounds? Husband: She’s out all night every night going from bar to bar. Solicitor: Do you mean she’s an alcoholic or do you think she’s cheating on you? Husband: No, she’s looking for me…

So I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout, “Can you do this any cheaper? It’s got today’s date on it.” She said, “Listen, lady. Do you want the newspaper or not!”

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children… Just like it says on the bottle!

I’m reading The correspondent I’m going to start writing letters. I already write to two of my grandchildren who live far enough away that I don’t see them as regularly as I see the two that live on my doorstep…I put a comic in, a novelty pencil & maybe a Freddo Frog. They love their letters.

Me: What would you do if I started smoking? My husband: I’d slow down and use more lube…

Life hack #97 Remember to drink lots of water and stay indoors between 11am and November 1st… Follow me for more health and lifestyle advice like this!

Hey @andyburnham.bsky.social Big oil companies (profits up 70%) & the banks (mortgage rates up even tho the BOE held rates) are absolutely shafting working class people. You can do something about this. A windfall tax please on these greedy fvckers will go down well.

Don’t let anyone ever tell you that energy companies are affected by war in any way other than a positive fvcking egregious way. While you’re scratching around trying to make ends meet - simple things like feed & keep your family warm - these fvckers are coining it in. Just fvck them. Fvck them all.

He’s not included because he’s not even an elected official and hopefully never will be again…

My husband was arrested yesterday for stealing the tail off a donkey. The bastard tried to pin it on me!

I don’t like to brag but I just threaded a sewing needle without a needle threader and in the gloom…

My husband just texted me to say that Gavin from Autoglass has just injected his special resin into his crack. Tbh, I’m not normally suspicious, but I’m driving the bloody car!

It’s so hot and muggy where we live that my husband asked what I thought the neighbours would say if he mowed the lawn naked. “That I married you for your money?…”

When I was young I had everything handed to me on a plate. Soup was a nightmare!

I did. Supported Brexit. Is anti woke Hates ‘political correctness’ Doesn’t like multiculturalism and how that changes a country’s demographic Made some sort of program with - drum roll - GB fucking News I think all of this makes him a SuperCvnt!