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They say the best gift is an experience. For my birthday, I'd like to experience a wad of cash in my hand.

At the statisticians' party every guest gets a plus or minus one

A cat would be into close-up magic if it was in a hole

Are you team ankles or team knees when it comes to pants level at the toilet?

Reach out to your problematic friends online by saying something nonjudgmental like "I noticed you have bad opinions, I'm always here to talk if you want to learn how to stop being a shit sucker"

I'd like to live in a utopia please. It's so maddening because we could have it right now.

Craig me if I'm wrong,

?ydwoH (reverse cowgirl)

Why is no one taking about this? Make it make sense!

We all scream for ice cream. Except in space.

Once I had a kid, I had to give up my gun hobby. It just takes one slip-up and my son gets into my Call of Duty account... I'd never forgive myself.

Toddler Thought-Leader: "...permanent teeth!"

Ever notice how songs seem to take on a whole different meaning when you listen to the lyrics?

well shit i guess its going to come down to if couch fuckin jd vance has the courage to do the right thing

Eat that fuckin soft food cat boy. Eat that fuckin soft food right!

I love summertime because I can split the rent with the 5,000 ants that live inside now