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Very best of luck to @bevcraig today. I'm sure she'll make an excellent Mayor of Greater Manchester.

"I'm really sorry to hear about that. No problem, we'll refund your entry fee in line with our refunds policy." *waits* *Looks up their refund policy* "We don't do refunds." He could have just said...

Farage having a strop about not being invited to discuss social care provision, is like Harold Shipman giving out for being excluded from a debate on GP home visits.

Billy Billingham: "I was in the Special Air Service, deployed on direct action behind enemy lines." Jason Fox: "I was in the Special Boat Service, undertaking offensive amphibious actions." Andrew Tate: "I was in the Special Housing Unit, installing replacement windows."

I feel great today. Why do we even need the NHS?

It's time for orange makeup It's time to dress like shite It's time they both departed From the most terrible tasteful, lacking in graceful, all-time wasteful, simply disgraceful This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Quansah and Chalobah must be gutted.

I'm just surprised he didn't bring on Henderson and Trafford.

I don't suppose there's any chance that Argentina sent an intern to spy on England training?

As a side note, ‘they gave it their all’ is not mitigation; it’s a minimum requirement.

I have watched a million games of football. That was, quite possibly, the least enjoyable. Although on further consideration I’ll probably remember about a dozen Shrewsbury games.

Apparently, 'mistakes were made' when it came to procuring PPE. I assume that includes mistakenly awarding contracts to unqualified Tory politicians, donors and supporters. Which is of course an easy mistake to make during a pandemic, when greed seemed to matter more than lives.

"I've no idea who Jade Bollingham is, but I'm reliably informed this shirt is tax deductible!"

If he was a presidential rival, Trump would probably refer to him as Osama Bin Face.

Avengers Dissemble: Con Man versus Bin Man

"Unfortunately he had gone feral and we couldn't re-integrate him into the home, and he ended up living with my friend's parents in Preston."

"Feral my arse."

"Well I'd just been delivering on that estate where all the footballers live and when I got back to the depot, there he was in the back of the van."

"But where it says 'address' there isn't enough room for all of them."

Whatever happens, don't tell Danny Murphy where I am.