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My body is a fitness tracker

I feel like I've waited long enough. I would like my deferred gratification now please.

Google Photos here. Just wanted to remind you how much better you looked 6 years ago.

The rock stars from my generation could beat up the rock stars from your generation

Having a no screen summer which means all the bugs have gotten in

I know the coffee cup is empty, so I'm only going to check it 3 more times

The World Cup is not very easy to drink out of

I admit I never carried any cargo in those pants

This is the worst super bowl ever

Lost so many good people to swimming without waiting a half hour after they ate

These hydration breaks remind me of 3rd grade when they wouldn't let us have any water during sports "because it will give you a cramp"

I love being called "honey" or "sweetie" which is why I only hang out in gay bars and southern diners

Life is what happens while I'm busy staring at my phone

If you fall in love in real life, you die in real life

The worst thing about vegans is that they are probably right

Anyone who says women are too emotional has never watched men's soccer

I feel an irresistible urge to hug anyone who drops me off at the airport, which is why I'm not allowed to take Uber anymore

Genuinely think there were people who didn't interrupt a Mayan human sacrifice because they didn't want to be "weird" or "rude"

Watching Conan the Barbarian, and it's not as funny as his TBS show

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world because all you need to play is a ball, 3 refs, VAR, and a chip that reports its location 500 times a second