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Wow sources close to LeBron say he signed with Philadelphia to “record a split EP with Kurt Vile” and that the 4x NBA champion has “always been drawn to [his] circular lo-fi riffs” and “laid back vocals”

news: thousands sick after eating contaminated iceberg lettuce captain of the titanic: OH I GUESS ITS NOT SO EASY TO SPOT A DANGEROUS ICEBERG NOW IS IT

cruise (maintaining intense eye contact and leaning forward to perform active listening): cookies? that’s fantastic, wow

before cameras they used to sculpt your face for your imdb profile picture

odyssey this, odyssey that. some of you fellas odda see a dang therapist

ME: basically i’m on the computer all day and i’m not allowed to eat lettuce even if i wanted to 10 YEAR OLD ME: that sounds incredible ME: well not really

developing my own IP called whalepuncher

my kid asked if he’s punching the whale out of the water

GOD: and there shall be a profession known as LIFEGUARD ANGEL: to whom will we give this great responsibility of guarding lives? GOD: teenagers ANGEL: ah...so they have their entire lives to devote to it GOD: no just like part time for a summer

my wife always wants me to eat more vegetables. especially since they started carrying the diarrhea parasite

the most effective horror films prey on our collective fear of something really scary happening

me trying to remember the name of my wife’s close relative: uhh me trying to remember the name of a first baseman who played for both the arizona diamondbacks and the oakland athletics: erubiel durazo

oh man remember mike pence

I’ve thought about this tweet so often I had to go look it up

the odyssey? buddy you odda see what I did with your mom last night

mcconnell returning after weeks with a gigantic BBL

there are still some tickets left for my show in person and if you’re not around, there are live stream tickets avail!! You can watch the live stream for up to 7 days after the show at your leisure. Wow. Great deal. ucbcomedy.com/show/one-nig...

sorcerer remake about transferring my sleeping baby from the car to his crib

watching frasier on earth 2

"the point guard" looks nice and the whole team seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meat balls!