Профиль

Everybody has one. A big drawer in the kitchen that's so rammed full of miscellaneous gubbins, you can equally find anything and absolutely fucking nothing at the same time

I'd like to forward myself for the role of "My Friend Billy"

"I can't believe you've got a special dining room just to eat Chinese in"

What do you call a Spaniard in sandals? Felipe Flop It's called joke repurposing, actually

I reckon Charles's favourite is salt & pepper pheasant wings with crispy seaweed

Can't believe Buckingham Palace has a special dining room, just for eating Chinese

Hope ICE aren't waiting outside for these kids.

I preferred it when the players just ate oranges and smoked a fag at half time

Breako de hydration

Exactly

I have half English and half Spanish heritage. So tonight, I've cooked a big 'Biryane Espagnole' and will be rooting for España to kick some cheating Argentina cunthole arse. And that's not ruddy swearing or misogynistic language.

They got away with it because most people in America don't think dinosaurs were real anyway

Wesley Loaf

My baseless and unhinged conspiracy theory on Ann Widdecombe's murder: Reform are losing popularity. So Russia has paid a loner to take her out, in the guise of a "leftist plot" This would only be less plausible if Farage had not been simultaneously wanging on about personal security for weeks

Could be Nigel himself

Hublot's off. Rexona has been brought on

I'm in Italy and some of the restaurants have a QR code so you can browse the menu in your own language