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if you're a big enough fan of his, Jeff Dunham will invite you back to his house to meet his beautiful wife and his favorite out of all his secret puppets, Viscera

god imagine being the other green brother and you have a pretty respectable career as a ya author and yr basically set for life after a couple successful film adaptations and then mom calls and asks if you can't find a job for yr brother hank who yr pretty sure she always liked better anyway

you don't ever see him anymore bc they cooked up emeril into a big étouffée and the guy who did it didn't say bam even once

when the founders of football invented football they knew it would be sick as hell to watch some boys concuss each other out in the grass, but when someone had the idea to cut the grass? well that's when they started being able to see the boys concuss each other a lot more clearly

thrown out of the anarchist commune for stretching and yawning and saying "oof! it's past my bedtime!"

i don't truly know warhammer 40k stuff but the space marines with beaks are the coolest looking ones

daisy dukes arm candy milf meh transphobia

my roommate told me she didn't feel like she was over 30 and idk what to tell her, sucks to suck I guess?

hank green should have to cut off a finger like he's in the yakuza if he wants to keep making wholesome chungus popsci "content"

the hank green brother community is in shambles rn. if you see one of them on the street, toss 'em a spare factoid or bit of trivia, they need it now more than ever

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nodding sagely 🙂‍↕️ and saying "it takes all kinds 🙂‍↕️" as a man walks past me in a gildan ultra cotton with a celtic knot and the word "poontangler" printed on it 🙂‍↕️

Friday night and im banging on the window at the glizzy hole begging them for one more dog

attempting to pick up a gen z girl by asking if she has any pupperinos and if they're heckin chonkers

if you want a drummer to like you, ask what their favorite drum is and act surprised and impressed when they say snare drum.

which mcelroy brother do you think is the gayest for pussy

not MY dracula

do you think jason sudeikis is actually that hecking wholesome in real life not just when he's ted lasso?

i feel like there's a sweet spot of prickliness where it comes off as cool and charismatic and if you undershoot it then you just kind of don't make an impression on people, but if you overshoot it you seem like an asshole, and I'm trying to figure out how to get there and stay there

save me long haired butch on roller blades 🥺